I received a letter once from a lady who was struggling in her marriage. She wrote,
Dear Pastor Rick, When I first fell in love with my husband I was sure, absolutely sure that he was the right person for me. But over the years as we’ve lived together through a lot of messy situations, I’ve seen many sides of my husband that I don’t like. My feelings toward him have turned from respect and attraction to disappointment and sometimes even disgust. I now feel like maybe I married the wrong person. Why do I feel this way and what can I do about it? Something has to change.”
Because you’re in ministry, you know that this story is all too common. But having mentored and trained thousands of pastors, I can also say it’s all too common among ministry marriages. And one of the reasons why we read about so many moral failures among ministry leaders today is that we’ve failed to keep our marriages strong and to make them the priority over ministry. Success at home is way more important than success in professional or ministry leadership.
The Bible has a couple of things to say about this that are very important. Proverbs 24:3 (GNT) says, “Homes are built on the foundation of wisdom and understanding.” Paul prays in Philippians 1:9 (GW), “I pray that your love will keep on growing because of your knowledge and insight.” It takes wisdom and understanding to keep your marriage growing, along with knowledge and insight. Marriages do not automatically grow – not even ministry marriages.
One dangerous assumption among ministry leaders is that being in ministry insulates and vaccinates you from the problems that most marriages face. In fact, the opposite is true. You have a target on your back, as does your family, and being intentional matters. Here are three practices for keeping your marriage strong.
Pay Attention to Your Spouse
Attention means love. It’s one of the most loving things you do when you give somebody your attention. When you’re paying attention to somebody, you’re saying to them, “I value you. You matter to me. You’re worth listening to.” When you give somebody your attention you’re actually giving them your life. Your time is your life and you’re never going to get that time back. The truth is, that’s how you fell in love. You fell in love because you began to pay attention to somebody and somebody began to pay attention to you.
Do you remember how much attention you used to give to your husband or your wife before you got married? You bought flowers, wrote notes, made phone calls and talked for hours. You spent a lot of time together. In many, many ways during dating and engagement you said, “You have my undivided attention.” In fact, you thought about the other person all the time when you weren’t with them.
Over time we tend to pay less attention to our spouse rather than more attention. We start paying attention to things like bills and babies and budgets and ministry and work and hobbies and sports and all kinds of other things. When that happens, the marriage begins to deteriorate.
I show I care by staying aware. If your marriage is going to keep on growing you’ve got to figure out a way to keep on paying attention to each other. If you don’t do that, your marriage is going to start to crumble. You’ve got to keep on paying attention.
Show Affection for Your Spouse
The Bible tells us in Romans 12:10 (NLT) to, “Love each other with genuine affection and take delight in honoring each other.” I’m sure you’d all agree that it’s easier to fall in love than it is to stay in love. How do you rekindle lost love when the feelings aren’t there? How do you rekindle the affection you felt for each other at the beginning of your marriage?
You do what Jesus told a church to do. In the book of Revelation, Jesus told some Christians at the church of Ephesus, “You guys have lost your first love for me. Here’s how you get your first love for me back. And He tells them four things to do. I’ve found that these are the same four things you need to do if you’ve lost the romantic feelings of affection for your husband or your wife.
The Bible says in Revelation 2:4-5 (GW), “[Jesus said,] ‘The love you had at first is gone. Remember how far you have fallen. Return to Me. Change the way you think and act and do what you did at first.” He says here four things: remember, return, repent, repeat.
Give Affirmation to Your Spouse
One reason you fell in love with your mate is he or she affirmed you. You fall in love with people who express the fact that they love you. Your mate desperately needs affirmation from you. One of your God-given roles as a husband or wife is to be your husband/wife’s greatest fan. It’s desperately needed in a world where there are a lot of critics. So one of the most important things you can do is you lift up your husband or wife by affirmation.
How often are we supposed to do this? The Bible says in Hebrews 3:13 (NCV), “Encourage each other every day while it is ‘today.’” It’s a daily habit, something we do every day.
What do you affirm? Three things you can affirm in your spouse:
1. Affirm each other’s value. You can raise someone else in value as you appreciate them. As you appreciate them you raise their value and you raise the value of your marriage. Proverbs 12:25 (TLB) says, “A word of encouragement does wonders.”
2. You can also affirm each other’s strengths. You build each other up. The power of praise of seeing someone’s strength and praising that strength is amazing. All of us blossom with affirmation. That’s how our lives are strengthened. We become what other people see in us. As you affirm those strengths you help someone to grow.
3. You can also affirm each other’s ministry. Affirm what you’re doing for God’s sake in the world today. Romans 1:12 (NCV) says, “I want us to help each other with the faith that we have. Your faith will help me and my faith will help you.”
The most important thing you must do in order to keep your marriage growing is to keep on following Jesus. He is the glue. He is what holds you together when ministry gets hard and the demands get high. Pray with and for each other. James 5:16 (MSG) says, “Make this your common practice. Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you can live together whole and healed.”
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Hello everyone, I must start by saying that I didn’t go into marriage with expectation that it will fail after 8 years. I and my spouse where not compassionate to ourselves. Trying to work out my marriage was self-defeating, we don’t really know why we no longer find ourselves attractive anymore. All we secretly thought was divorce, we couldn’t agree or communicate anymore, it was emotionally difficult moments when we face each other in the bedroom.
I know that a phycologist might not be able to help me go through divorce because it has never worked for me. Divorcing could traumatize our kids, I can’t let them be emotionally crippled.
I remember my grandmother once told me that not issues can be resolved physically, I should try solving some issues spiritually through a well-known spiritual doctor.
I can provide evidence that my life and marriage got more better and interesting with so much love and fulfilled promises after Dr. Wakina lighted up our fire with a magnificent love spell with the aid of dr. wakinalovetemple @ gmail. com.
The spell work I never regarded rewrote my story. I’m touched beyond words, thanks Dr. Wakina.
I am an active listener of Rick Warren Daily devotionals. I listen on my way to work every morning. It is a great way to start my day every morning. I tell all my friends and all those who call me that need a word of encouragement.
My husband and I lead a Marriage small group. We are looking for small group marriage devotionals. Please let me know of any resources
Thank you
Continue Blessings in all you do for Gods kingdom
hello i was blessed
How to love your wife
Hi there!
I need help , we got married 2014 ever since then I always sleep with tears. His family hates me and he defends them . His cheating and never spend time with me. My family told me to keep praying he will change. My feeling and love for him is not the same.
What can I do?
It is good to know that to remember, return, repent and repeat is all I need to apply for my marriage to be strong again. Honesty speaking I would like to have the awesome feelings I had earlier in my marriage. Thank God I have the tools (remember, return, repent and repeat ) to create a strong marriage again. Thank you. Cletus. Lagos Nigeria.
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if you are out there passing through any of
this problems listed below:
1) If you want your ex back.
(2) if you always have bad dreams.
(3) You want to be promoted in your office.
(4) You want women/men to run after you.
(5) If you want a child.
A good article put together by the Pastor.This is the vitamin every home needs for blissfulness of the marriage.If these factors are put in place in marriage,I am of the opinion that marriage would be blissful.Great work Pastor.God bless you hard!!!!
Es justo lo que necesitaba hoy, para volver a enamorar a mi esposa
I salute you Pastor rick. You have been my blessing. Thank you for such a great article on marriage
Thank you for being a blessing to me and the host of others. I salute your courage and commitment seeking God for insight on how to build a strong marriage. May God continue to grant you understanding, strengthen and protection in Jesus name.
Good , ok. But what about the spouse to the husbasnd. I think that what you share goes for the spouse too, is that right?. I liked a lot what you said Success at home is way more important than success in professional or ministry leadership. Thank you brother for all good learning I have recieve from you even we do not know each other. Thank you for your experiences share with us and your life. I allways believed tha we must share our lives with others and in that way share the love and compassion of our Father ( blees be Hes name).
I will like to give you this words for you and your family:
May the wind of The Living One blow on you when is to warm for you .
May the Strength of His hand hold you when you became tired.
May His lipps kiss you when you are in sorrow.
May His words give you comfort.
May His Spirit be your light in a dark world.
I Bless you my brothers with these words.
I am very sorry you would not even try to help me….May God Bless you
Pastor Rick when I asked for your help with my 34yr marriage to an employee of yours at the time, you said you didn’t give marriage help! I am very surprised to see this article you and Kay have written. I only wanted your help to save my marriage and reconcile with husband and Father of our 4 Sons and to be the family Our Heavenly Father blessed us with…..I am very sad and disappointed, I know Phil would have listened to you….May God Bless you and your Family. I am happy for you that you have kept your Marriage strong…
PS I have since tried myself and thru prayers tried to reconcile our marriage and am still praying.
Great article Rick Warren.Thank you
My great friend pastor Rick,
This article is one of the most powerful one on marriage! In a world where divorce is unfortunately becoming a middle name for many families, we need more of these helpful articles and any other help to redeem marriages & strengthen families.
Thank you very much indeed.