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Seven Biblical Steps to Resolving Conflict

Every church leader needs to learn how to diffuse conflict. It’s one of the most important ministry skills you can develop and rarely taught in seminaries and Bible schools. Unresolved conflict will damage your ministry. You can’t be in harmony with God if you’re out of harmony with other people. 1 John 4:20 tells us, “If people say, ‘I love God,’ but hate their brothers or sisters, they are liars” (NCV).  The next time you find yourself in the middle of conflict—whether at home or at church—try these seven steps to resolve it. 1. Take the initiative. Don’t wait for the other person to come to you, and don’t deny the conflict. Be the peacemaker God has called you to be. I was terrible at this when Kay and I first married. When Kay would bring up issues, I became good at dodging them. But I’ve realized through the years that you never resolve conflict accidentally. You can only do it intentionally. Of course, that kind of initiative requires courage when everything inside of you screams that it’s better to hide. The Bible says that love gives us that kind of courage. John writes, “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear” (1 John 4:18 NIV). When your love is greater than your fear, you’ll take the initiative to make peace in your relationships. 2. Confess your part of the conflict. The other person may be 99 percent at fault, but we should humbly confess our 1 percent first. Jesus reminds us in the Sermon on the Mount that we all have blind spots. We must take care of those blind spots before we move on. “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?” (Matthew 7:3-4 NIV). Often, relationships get into traffic jams. We get stuck and we feel trapped as we wait on the other person to make the first move. One sentence can break that traffic jam: “I’m sorry.” Give it a try. 3. Listen for the hurt. If you’ve followed my Ministry Toolbox articles for a while, you’ve read this phrase before: “Hurt people hurt people.” I say it regularly. It’s an important truth to remember. If someone is hurting you, it’s because someone hurt that person. Maybe it was you; maybe it was someone else. James 1:19 reminds us how to respond to the pain of others: “You should be quick to listen and slow to speak or to get angry” (CEV). God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason. We need to listen twice as much as we speak. That’s the key to defusing conflict. When you’re listening for the hurts of others, focus on two specific areas—their doubts and fears. “We must bear the ‘burden’ of being considerate of the doubts and fears of others” (Romans 15:2 TLB). When you uncover someone else’s doubts and fears, you’ll often bring conflict. 4. Consider their perspective. To do this, we need to make an important change in how we deal with other people. Instead of trying to get other people to notice our needs, we need to notice the needs of others first. Paul writes in Philippians 2:4-5: “Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had” (NLT). We’re naturally selfish people. We want to make sure someone pays attention to our needs because we’re often afraid that our needs won’t be met. But God is always in touch with the details of our lives. Nothing escapes his sight. The Bible says, “You notice everything I do and everywhere I go” (Psalm 139:3 CEV). When you realize God will meet every need you have, it frees you to focus on the needs of others. 5. Tell the truth tactfully. It’s not enough to just speak the truth. In a verse I’m sure you’re familiar with, Paul tells us to “speak the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15 NLT). If we’re not speaking the truth in love, we’re on the wrong side of the conflict. Speaking the truth in love isn’t just what’s right. It’s also what works best. Truth without love is resisted; truth wrapped in love is received. You must show someone you love them before that person will listen to the truth you want to share. 6. Fix the problem, not the blame. You only have so much emotional energy. You can either resolve the conflict or fix the blame. You can’t do both. So you need to ask yourself, “What’s more important?” To make sure you don’t move into blaming, it’s important to set some ground rules. Certain actions should be off the table when you sit down with someone to resolve a conflict. For example, you don’t threaten to end the relationship. Nor do you belittle the other person. Paul gives us a list of out-of-bounds ways to engage others in a conflict: “But now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips” (Colossians 3:8 NIV). Those actions all lead to more conflict, not less.  7. Focus on reconciliation, not resolution. There’s a big difference between reconciliation and resolution. Reconciliation happens when you re-establish the relationship. Resolution means you will no longer have any disagreements. You’ll never make it to a complete resolution because you’ll never agree on everything. We all have different personalities and different life experiences. But you can have a loving relationship, even if you can’t agree on everything. You can disagree without being disagreeable. As church leaders, we need to be peacemakers. Jesus tells us, “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God” (Matthew 5:9 NIV). Conflict seems to be everywhere in our communities. We can choose to just opt out and ignore the conflict. We could even make the conflict in our world worse. Or we could let the Lord use us to resolve conflict. That’s the decision that honors Jesus.

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Are You Focused on the Immediate or the Eternal?

Are You Focused on the Immediate or the Eternal?

As a pastor, you deal with many immediate needs every day—from counseling issues to leadership concerns to preparing your regular weekend messages. And added to that, we’re in the middle of an election year, when everyone is fighting for our attention.  It’s easy to get caught up in the here and now. But faithful ministry in our world today that impacts our communities requires something else. Every pastor needs to keep an eternal perspective.  Keeping an eternal perspective means realizing there’s more to life than just here and now. C.S. Lewis once said, “All that is not eternal is eternally out of date.” You’re in an eternal struggle for the hearts and souls of people in your community. Nothing matters more than that struggle.  An eternal perspective realizes there are long-term implications for every action we take. Pastors who make a difference in the world around them focus on those eternal implications rather than the immediate ones. At the most, you’ll only live on earth for a mere 90 or so years, but your time in eternity will never end. Your ministry on this side of eternity is simply a prelude to the real thing.  Noah understood this. The Bible tells us, “[Noah] was the only truly righteous man living on the earth at that time. He tried always to conduct his affairs according to God’s will” (Genesis 6:9 TLB). Noah was single-focused, always asking, “What does God want me to do?” That’s what an eternally focused life looks like. Noah had a filter. Each decision he made was guided by God’s will.  Hebrews 13:14 captures what it means to be eternally minded: “For this world is not our home; we are looking forward to our everlasting home in heaven” (TLB). If you believe and base your ministry on that truth, it will change everything for you and your church. Suddenly, yesterday’s contentious business meeting and your church’s budget failings won’t matter nearly as much.  Your focus will be on what doesn’t change—helping people to worship the Lord, build Jesus-honoring relationships, become more like Jesus, serve God faithfully, and tell others about Jesus.   A ministry with an eternal perspective focuses on the purposes of God, which never change. That’s why I wrote in The Purpose Driven Church: “Unless the driving force behind a church is biblical, the health and growth of the church will never be what God intended. Strong churches are not built on programs, personalities, or gimmicks. They are built on the eternal purposes of God.” Programs, personalities, and gimmicks might produce short-term ministry success, but the results of pursuing God’s purposes last forever. When you have an eternal perspective on your ministry, you realize the most important areas of your work can’t be easily seen. Paul says, “We set our eyes not on what we see but on what we cannot see. What we see will last only a short time, but what we cannot see will last forever” (2 Corinthians 4:18 NCV). A thousand years from now, our church buildings will be nothing but piles of rubble. Our budgets and our strategies won’t matter at all. What really counts is the lasting impact we’ve had on people who will worship Jesus for all of eternity.  If you truly understand this perspective, you won’t need to stress over the ebbs and flows of your ministry week. The headlines won’t depress you each morning. Your church’s budget shortfalls won’t cause you concern.  Instead, as you focus on what God’s Word says about eternal issues that matter most, you’ll be free to make a difference with your ministry. Remember the words of Proverbs 19:21: “Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails” (NIV). If you are building a ministry on God’s eternal purposes, you can’t fail. God’s purposes will always prevail.
Three Ways to Grow While You Wait

Three Ways to Grow While You Wait

God wants to do something incredible through your ministry. No one can take that away. Your critics can’t. Neither can Satan.  But that doesn’t mean you won’t have to wait for it. Sometimes God cracks a door and lets you see your future before you’re ready to walk through it.  Why does he do that? First, if God showed you all your future at once,it would scare you. You’d take one look and say, “Oh no, God wants me to do that?” You’re simply not ready right now to see everything God wants to do through you.  God also wants to keep you close to him as you trust him to do what he is calling you to do. It’s like he writes his plan for you on a scroll. You unroll the scroll a bit and do what he says. Then you unroll a bit more, and he gives you a little more of the vision.  You’re not the first leader God has let glimpse the future long before it’s become reality. In fact, he has done that over and over again throughout history. Centuries ago, God gave Habakkuk a vision for Israel and then told him: “But these things I plan won’t happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, do not despair, for these things will surely come to pass. Just be patient! They will not be overdue a single day!” (Habakkuk 2:3 TLB). God wasn’t late for Habakkuk. He won’t be overdue when it comes to his vision for your life either. God’s timing is perfect. God is always at work, lining up everything according to his plan. God can do more in five minutes on his timing, than you can do in 50 years on yours.  While you wait, God has something important for you to do. You're supposed to be preparing by learning. So what do you need to learn while you’re waiting on God’s vision for your life to be fulfilled? Learn discernment. You need to learn which doors to walk through and which ones to walk past so you can avoid wasting time, money, and energy as you pursue God’s vision for your ministry. Paul writes to the church of Philippi: “This is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ” (Philippians 1:9-10 NIV). God wants you to grow in your love for others, but he wants you to do that with both knowledge and discernment so you’ll make the right choices about the doors he puts in front of you. Learn courage. You may already know the right choices to make about the doors God has placed before you, but you need to grow in your courage. You don’t have the faith right now to take the right step.  Pastor, it’s not enough to know what to do. You need the courage to actually do what the Lord is calling you to do. Courage isn’t the absence of fear. It’s stepping out in faith despite your fear. When Solomon received the assignment of building the temple, David gave him some advice:“Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Don’t be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord God, my God, is with you. He won’t leave you or abandon you until all the work for the service of the Lord’s house is finished” (1 Chronicles 28:20 CSB). I’ve been scared about every single important decision in my life, but I decided long ago not to let fear dominate my life. So I have constantly acted contrary to my fear. God doesn’t sponsor flops. If he gives you the vision, you have nothing to worry about. Learn to open doors for others. Waiting isn’t easy. When you have a glimpse of something God wants to do through your life, you want it now. But you’re not the only one waiting. Look around in your ministry, and you’ll see other people waiting for their own open doors. Often, they will have doors in front of them you can help open. As often as you can, learn to open those doors. Love other people. Care about how God will use them. God will put people in your life to do the same for you.   Don’t waste your waiting time. Let God help you grow into the leader he wants you to be on the other side of the door.
6 Ways Leaders Need to Show Discipline

6 Ways Leaders Need to Show Discipline

Great leaders have at least one common denominator: personal discipline.  Take the Apostle Paul as an example. He had tremendous self-control. He talks about it in this passage: “Don’t you realize that everyone who runs in a race runs to win, but only one runner gets the prize? Run like them, so that you can win. Everyone who enters an athletic contest goes into strict training. They do it to win a temporary crown, but we do it to win one that will be permanent” (1 Corinthians 9:24-25 GW). Paul wanted to be successful and understood he couldn’t live haphazardly and accomplish what God called him to do. He showed self-discipline throughout his ministry, and so should we. Here are six specific areas of our lives where leaders need to show self-discipline. Their mood: Most great things in the world are achieved by those who don’t feel like doing them. The Bible says, “A man without self-control is as defenseless as a city with broken-down walls” (Proverb 25:28 TLB). Without discipline, you’re at the mercy of your moods. You’re without defense and a helpless victim of your emotions.  Their words: Proverbs 13:3 says, “Whoever controls his mouth protects his own life. Whoever has a big mouth comes to ruin” (GW). Leaders who say the wrong things at the wrong time can expect problems.  Their reactions: The Bible says, “If you are sensible, you will control your temper. When someone wrongs you, it is a great virtue to ignore it” (Proverbs 19:11 GNT). Leaders don’t fly off the handle even when provoked. When you get angry because of someone else, you’re letting that person have control over you. A disciplined person acts rather than reacts. Their schedule: We all have the same amount of time—168 hours a week. But leaders know how to use their time effectively. Ephesians 5:15-16 says, “Live life, then, with a due sense of responsibility . . . Make the best use of your time” (PHILLIPS). Discipline is the reason some people get more done than others. You don’t have time to do everything as a leader, so you need to schedule your priorities. If you don’t decide how you’ll spend your time, others will decide for you.  Their money: Leaders must live within their means. The way you manage the resources God gives you is a glimpse into how you’ll manage the resources of others. Luke 16:10 says, “Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with a lot. Whoever is dishonest with very little is dishonest with a lot” (GW).  Their health: For many of us, our bodies need more exercise, more rest, and fewer calories. Proverbs 23:2 says, “If you have a big appetite, restrain yourself” (GNT). Leadership is a marathon. If you want to go the distance, treat your body with respect. The rewards of a disciplined life go well beyond your ministry. You’ll have less stress and less debt, and you’ll live longer.  But most importantly, you’ll be more ready to be used by God. The disciplines you establish today will determine your future.
The Fallacy of One-Size-Fits-All Discipleship

The Fallacy of One-Size-Fits-All Discipleship

You can mass produce many things—cars, furniture, plastic bottles, etc.—but you can’t mass produce disciples. One-size-fits-all simply doesn’t work when you’re trying to help people become more like Jesus. God wired each of us with a unique SHAPE. The Bible says, “You shaped me first inside, then out; you formed me in my mother’s womb” (Psalm 139:13 MSG). Our creator specially designed each and every one of us. The unique ways God made us affect everything about us—including how we fulfill God’s purposes.  SHAPE is an acrostic that describes our uniqueness. God gave us Spiritual gifts, Heart (passions), Abilities, Personality, and Experiences. No one else in the world has the same mix of those five attributes as you do. A person’s God-given SHAPE helps them identify where they can best serve the body of Christ.  But our uniqueness is about much more than how we serve. In fact, our SHAPE affects how we worship, fellowship, evangelize—and how we grow. There’s a myth that maturity is measured by how much Bible knowledge you have.  Of course, that’s a factor in maturity, but it’s not the only one. We all know someone who’s a veritable storehouse of Bible knowledge yet is just downright mean. God’s Word hasn’t made it into their character. If maturity was just about learning as much of the Bible as possible, then we might all grow in the same ways.  But people grow differently. Some people learn by listening. If they hear it, they get it. Others learn through reading. Still, others grow best when they’re discussing truth with other believers.  We also know that many people grow by rolling up their sleeves and getting to work. Don’t give them the latest book on prayer; pray with them. Give them opportunities to serve. That’s how they grow. The problem is that most of our churches only teach in one way. They expect everyone to grow through listening to someone talk. Auditory learners love that. But not everyone is an auditory learner.  It’s no accident that most churches have more women in discussion groups than men. Many women like to discuss. Many men like to act. They’re ready for action. There’s nothing wrong with either of those preferences. It’s how God wired them.   So, as you build a discipleship program in your church, you have to understand that the best way to help the most people grow is through multiple reinforcements.  That’s why I strongly believe in spiritual-growth campaigns. These short-term campaigns have multiple components, such as devotional reading, small group discussion, memory verses, ministry projects, and more. You teach the same truth through hearing it, reading it, talking about it, discussing it, doing it, and memorizing it. You do it all at once.   If you’re not using spiritual growth campaigns, I recommend giving it a try. As you engage them in different ways, you’ll see people who have stalled spiritually for years start growing.  Throughout the years at Saddleback, we’ve used several tools to help people grow through the unique ways God wired them. For example, SHAPE interviews help our members discover their God-given design so they can find ministry fits in the church. Not only does this get people connected to ministries, but it also helps them find out more about themselves so they can grow according to their SHAPE. Another tool we’ve used is a spiritual health assessment, where you can evaluate your growth progress. The Bible tells us to examine ourselves. This tool gives people a tangible way to look into their spiritual lives. We’ve found this tool helps just about everyone, but it’s particularly good for those God wired to be more introspective.  Also, to help people who particularly enjoy being in nature, we created a prayer garden, where they can go to pray after every service.  But the tools aren’t as important as the principle. You can’t make cookie-cutter disciples. Though we all go through a discipleship process, everyone grows in different ways and at different rates.  Look for ways to expand the opportunities for people to grow in the unique ways God has wired them.
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