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Seven Biblical Steps to Resolving Conflict

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Every church leader needs to learn how to diffuse conflict. It’s one of the most important ministry skills you can develop and rarely taught in seminaries and Bible schools. Unresolved conflict will damage your ministry. You can’t be in harmony with God if you’re out of harmony with other people. 1 John 4:20 tells us, “If people say, ‘I love God,’ but hate their brothers or sisters, they are liars” (NCV). The next time you find yourself in the middle of conflict—whether at home or at church—try these seven steps to resolve it. 1. Take the initiative. Don’t wait for the other person to come to you, and don’t deny the conflict. Be the peacemaker God has called you to be. I was terrible at this when Kay and I first married. When Kay would bring up issues, I became good at dodging them. But I’ve realized through the years that you never resolve conflict accidentally. You can only do it intentionally. Of course, that kind of initiative requires courage when everything inside of you screams that it’s better to hide. The Bible says that love gives us that kind of courage. John writes, “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear” (1 John 4:18 NIV). When your love is greater than your fear, you’ll take the initiative to make peace in your relationships. 2. Confess your part of the conflict. The other person may be 99 percent at fault, but we should humbly confess our 1 percent first. Jesus reminds us in the Sermon on the Mount that we all have blind spots. We must take care of those blind spots before we move on. “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?” (Matthew 7:3-4 NIV). Often, relationships get into traffic jams. We get stuck and we feel trapped as we wait on the other person to make the first move. One sentence can break that traffic jam: “I’m sorry.” Give it a try. 3. Listen for the hurt. If you’ve followed my Ministry Toolbox articles for a while, you’ve read this phrase before: “Hurt people hurt people.” I say it regularly. It’s an important truth to remember. If someone is hurting you, it’s because someone hurt that person. Maybe it was you; maybe it was someone else. James 1:19 reminds us how to respond to the pain of others: “You should be quick to listen and slow to speak or to get angry” (CEV). God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason. We need to listen twice as much as we speak. That’s the key to defusing conflict. When you’re listening for the hurts of others, focus on two specific areas—their doubts and fears. “We must bear the ‘burden’ of being considerate of the doubts and fears of others” (Romans 15:2 TLB). When you uncover someone else’s doubts and fears, you’ll often bring conflict. 4. Consider their perspective. To do this, we need to make an important change in how we deal with other people. Instead of trying to get other people to notice our needs, we need to notice the needs of others first. Paul writes in Philippians 2:4-5: “Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had” (NLT). We’re naturally selfish people. We want to make sure someone pays attention to our needs because we’re often afraid that our needs won’t be met. But God is always in touch with the details of our lives. Nothing escapes his sight. The Bible says, “You notice everything I do and everywhere I go” (Psalm 139:3 CEV). When you realize God will meet every need you have, it frees you to focus on the needs of others. 5. Tell the truth tactfully. It’s not enough to just speak the truth. In a verse I’m sure you’re familiar with, Paul tells us to “speak the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15 NLT). If we’re not speaking the truth in love, we’re on the wrong side of the conflict. Speaking the truth in love isn’t just what’s right. It’s also what works best. Truth without love is resisted; truth wrapped in love is received. You must show someone you love them before that person will listen to the truth you want to share. 6. Fix the problem, not the blame. You only have so much emotional energy. You can either resolve the conflict or fix the blame. You can’t do both. So you need to ask yourself, “What’s more important?” To make sure you don’t move into blaming, it’s important to set some ground rules. Certain actions should be off the table when you sit down with someone to resolve a conflict. For example, you don’t threaten to end the relationship. Nor do you belittle the other person. Paul gives us a list of out-of-bounds ways to engage others in a conflict: “But now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips” (Colossians 3:8 NIV). Those actions all lead to more conflict, not less. 7. Focus on reconciliation, not resolution. There’s a big difference between reconciliation and resolution. Reconciliation happens when you re-establish the relationship. Resolution means you will no longer have any disagreements. You’ll never make it to a complete resolution because you’ll never agree on everything. We all have different personalities and different life experiences. But you can have a loving relationship, even if you can’t agree on everything. You can disagree without being disagreeable. As church leaders, we need to be peacemakers. Jesus tells us, “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God” (Matthew 5:9 NIV). Conflict seems to be everywhere in our communities. We can choose to just opt out and ignore the conflict. We could even make the conflict in our world worse. Or we could let the Lord use us to resolve conflict. That’s the decision that honors Jesus.

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You Never Have to Earn God’s Love

“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16 (NIV)Pastor, God sees you as acceptable and valuable. He also sees you as deeply lovable. A critical comment or a strained relationship in your church doesn’t change that.John 3:16 doesn’t say God loves only beautiful, intelligent, or perfect people. It says God loves the world—all of us. That includes you. Jesus essentially said, “I’d rather die than live without you.” That’s how much God loves you.Isaiah 54:10 says, “‘The mountains and hills may crumble, but my love for you will never end. . . . ’ So says the LORD who loves you” (Isaiah 54:10 GNT).God’s love has two key characteristics you must never forget:God’s love is consistent. God isn’t moody or fickle. His love doesn’t depend on good or bad days. People may be warm toward you one day and distant the next. God’s love isn’t like that. He loves you with unchanging, steady affection every single day.God’s love is unconditional. God’s love doesn’t say, “I love you if . . . ” or “I love you because . . . ” Instead, God’s love says, “I love you. Period.” His love isn’t based on your performance; it’s based on his character.God’s love says, “You’re mine. I made you. I saved you. I redeemed you. I want you with me forever.” God’s love is absolute and doesn’t change. You’ll never need to earn it.Doubting God’s love leads to trouble. In fact, every time you sin, it’s because you doubt his love and think you know better than he does.God’s commands come from his love for you. Even when you don’t understand what he’s asking, you can trust that he knows what’s best. Choosing your own way may seem easier, but it can bring painful consequences.You can build your life on these two truths: God loves you consistently, and he loves you unconditionally. In other words, he will never stop loving you, no matter what.Begin this Monday by thanking him for that love. It’s a foundation you can trust forever.

Forgiveness Refills What Ministry Drains

“Be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.” Ephesians 4:32 (NLT)Pastor, everyone has times in life when they feel like they’re running on empty. So it’s no surprise that when we feel empty on the inside, we often look for things to fill us up.You can come into Monday that way. You preached, counseled, answered questions, carried burdens, and made decisions. Then the next week starts, and people still need you to pour out.Some people come home at the end of the day and fill their emptiness with television or entertainment. Others fill it with food or something else that helps them not feel the emptiness for a while.Even things that seem harmless can be used to fill your tank. It may be a hobby or sport. For pastors, it may even be more ministry work. You just work harder and harder because you don’t like the feeling of slowing down. You overwork to hide your emptiness.All of these have one thing in common: None of them keep you filled up. None of them last. They all lead to even more emptiness.But God offers a better way. He wants to fill you up in a way that lasts. He does this through his love, his presence, and his purpose for your life—and he also works through forgiveness.The antidote to feeling drained emotionally and physically is to receive the forgiveness of God and to extend that same forgiveness to others. The Bible tells us, “Be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you” (Ephesians 4:32 NLT).In fact, forgiveness is the key to happiness: “Happy are those whose sins are forgiven, whose wrongs are pardoned. Happy is the one whom the LORD does not accuse of doing wrong and who is free from all deceit” (Psalm 32:1–2 GNT).Nothing causes you to run out of joy and energy faster than guilt and resentment.Pastor, guilt can follow you into Monday after a hard sermon, a tense meeting, or a conversation you wish you had handled differently. Resentment can follow you too, especially when you’ve been criticized, misunderstood, or taken for granted.That’s why experiencing God’s forgiveness and choosing to forgive others is such a huge re-energizer.Here’s the truth about forgiving others: It’s not earned, it’s not easy, and it certainly isn’t fun. But it’s what lets you get on with your life and your calling.Sometimes you just need to pray, “God, help me to let it go. No matter what they’ve done to me, unforgiveness is not going to change the past. So help me to just let it go.”God doesn’t want guilt and resentment to keep you running on empty. He wants to fill your tank by offering you his forgiveness and helping you forgive others.You have a choice as this week begins: Are you going to live on an empty tank or a full tank?Choose fullness. Receive God’s forgiveness where you need it, and ask him for the grace to give forgiveness where you’ve been holding on.

Build People Who Reach People

Pastor, you were never meant to fulfill the Great Commission by yourself.You can preach evangelistic sermons, plan outreach events, and remind your church that lost people matter to God. You should. But if evangelism stays mainly on your shoulders, your church will never become what Jesus intended.Your job is to equip people who reach.Ephesians 4:12 says God gives pastors and teachers to the church “to equip God’s people to do his work and build up the church, the body of Christ” (NLT). That means pastors are equippers. We build the church by helping God’s people make commitments that move them toward maturity and mission.So how do you help your church become more than an audience for evangelism? Start with three commitments.1. Equip people for the missionIf people in your church are going to grow spiritually, it’s not enough for you to pray that they grow. There is work you have to do as a leader. You need tools that help people make and live out commitments that change their lives.At Saddleback, we used a simple class process to help people live out God’s purposes: membership, maturity, ministry, and mission. The point was to move people. Through that process, people were baptized, developed spiritual habits, discovered their SHAPE for ministry, and were sent out on mission.Purpose driven is a people-development strategy. It moves people from unbeliever to believer, then through the stages of knowing Christ, loving Christ, belonging to his family, growing in Christ, serving Christ, and sharing Christ.2. Give people a next stepPeople rarely drift into mission. They need to be asked.A lot of times we think people will just know what to do. We think the message, the music, or the ministry environment will automatically move them. But Jesus didn’t expect people to guess. He asked them to make commitments. Time after time, he said, “Follow me.”So ask confidently. Ask specifically. Don’t just say, “You ought to be more mission-minded.” Give people a step they can take this week:Invite one neighbor.Pray for one coworker.Share your story with one friend.Join an outreach team.Participate in a mission trip.Take the next class.Begin discovering your life mission.Nothing becomes dynamic until it becomes specific. If you want people to make a commitment, tell them what you’re asking for and why it matters. Then allow baby steps. People move from crawling to walking to running. Sometimes the first small act of obedience opens the door to a lifetime of mission.3. Build structures that carry the missionThe New Testament church didn’t grow only through large gatherings. Acts says they met in the temple courts and from house to house.You need both. Large-group worship is “come and see.” House to house is “go and tell.” The early church gathered and scattered. They worshiped together, and they reached out through relationships.Small groups were never meant to be only Bible-study groups. In the New Testament, groups fulfilled all five purposes. They studied the Bible, fellowshipped, shared communion, prayed, helped each other in practical ways, worshiped, and invited others.They were evangelistic. Every group was evangelistic.Acts 2:47 says the Lord added daily those who were being saved. How do you add daily those who are being saved if you only have weekend services? You can’t. You need people living on mission during the week. That’s why we used to say, “Each one, reach one.”Send the whole churchPastor, you may feel the pressure to keep outreach alive by your own effort. But Jesus never asked you to be the whole body. He asked you to build the body.So keep preaching the gospel. Keep planning outreach. Keep calling your church to care about lost people. But don’t stop there. Build a process that helps people belong, grow, serve, and share. Ask for specific commitments. Give people structures where mission can happen through ordinary relationships.

Change the Channel on Worry

Monday morning has a way of handing you the whole week's worries before you've finished your coffee. The email you haven't answered. The board meeting. The family in crisis. The giving report. The sermon that still isn't coming together. If anyone knows the pull of worry, it's a pastor.But here's the honest truth: "Don't worry" may be the hardest command in the Bible to obey. Every one of us has broken it, probably already this morning. Worrying comes naturally to us.Jesus put it plainly: "Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own" (Matthew 6:34 NIV). So that naturally leads to this question: Are you spending today's energy replaying last week's mistakes and rehearsing next week's problems?Worry never actually fixes anything. It can't undo a hard conversation. It can't guarantee the outcome you're praying for. All it can do is quietly steal the peace God wants you to have today.At its root, worry is a focus problem. When you worry, you're staring at your fears instead of trusting your Father. You start carrying the church like it all depends on you, as if you have no Father who has promised to provide for you. But that weight was never yours to hold alone.Breaking the habit of worry isn't about gritting your teeth and trying harder not to worry. That never works, because you're still focused on the very thing you're trying to avoid. Instead of trying not to think about your problems, you need to put your focus on God. In the Bible, God's people often refocused through prayer, and sometimes fasting, letting their need draw them closer to him instead of deeper into themselves. You can do the same.Scripture says it this way: "If people's thinking is controlled by the sinful self, there is death. But if their thinking is controlled by the Spirit, there is life and peace" (Romans 8:6 NCV).You get to choose your focus. Fix your eyes on your problems, and worry will trail you all week. Fix your eyes on God, and his Spirit meets you with life and peace.So don't just tell yourself, "I won't worry." Change the channel. Don't fight the worry. Refocus. Turn your attention back to God, and trust his love and his promises for you and for the people you shepherd.

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