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Loving (Almost) Every Second of Life as a Pastor’s Wife

“They’re here! I can’t believe it — but they’re really here!” It was a beautiful, sunny Easter Sunday morning in Southern California, and Saddleback Valley Community Church officially launched. For 12 weeks, we and a small band of believers had met together in our home to dream, plan, and organize this launch day. We had hand-addressed and hand-stamped 15,000 letters to the community, introducing ourselves and our new church. We scoured yard sales and swap meets for used nursery equipment. We copied pages from coloring books for toddlers. We searched through lists of students from a local college to find childcare workers. I practiced the hymns (complete with updated lyrics to a few) on the piano to be certain my nervous fingers didn’t hit the wrong notes. We rented a portable sound system for the Laguna Hills High School Performing Arts Theater. Rick poured over the Bible for weeks, praying for God’s words to speak to the folks that might show up. We prayed. We fasted. We believed in faith. On April 6, 1980, we stood at the gates to Laguna Hills High School and waited nervously, hoping and praying that at least a few people would try our new church. They came! First one car, then three, then a dozen, then more. People of all ages — families, singles, old, young, and everything in between — began pouring out of the cars, quickly filling the parking lot. Rick and I enthusiastically greeted them all — hardly able to take in the truth that all our wild hopes were coming true. I remember smiling through tears at one point as I held out my hand in welcome to one of the 205 folks who read our mass mailing or heard about a new church for “those not interested in a traditional church” and decided to give it a shot. “God,” I whispered, “You are faithful. This is going to work!” A church was born that day. Rick became a senior pastor, and I was given a sacred privilege: I became a pastor’s wife. In the nearly four decades since, we have had front-row seats to witness thousands upon thousands of men, women, and children experience the grace of God to change their lives. This is their spiritual home, and we are family. These amazing people live sacrificially and give sacrificially so that others can know Jesus Christ as they do. These amazing people have taken the Gospel of Jesus Christ to every country in the world. These amazing people volunteer to wash windows, clean toilets, sort trash to buy Bibles, teach squirrelly toddlers and students, host small groups in their homes, feed the hungry, clothe the naked, teach English as a second language, tutor kids, walk the meanest streets to share God’s love with prostitutes and johns, courageously tell of how they’ve overcome their hurts habits and hang-ups through Celebrate Recovery, visit those behind bars, form care groups for people living with HIV and AIDS, adopt orphaned children locally and from around the world, embrace those living with mental illness, tear down the taboos of talking about suicide in church, offer grief support, take meals to families facing a crisis, use art to heal broken places in the soul, apply their gifts of technology, write music that honors God, help cranky and anxious drivers find parking spaces, and extend the love of Jesus into every corner of our community and beyond. I have loved every second. Well, almost every second. There were a few times . . .
  • I wished Rick had been anything but a pastor. A plumber . . . a pharmacist . . . a photographer . . . a principal — anything but a pastor.
  • I envied other families taking leisurely bike rides on a Saturday afternoon while my husband was feverishly finishing his message. I admit to being jealous of couples going on Friday night dates while my husband studied, or being sad that other friends went out to lunch after church on Sunday while my husband came home and collapsed into bed after preaching as many as six services.
  • There have been times I resented the intrusion of the ministry into every Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Easter, Mother’s Day, and Father’s Day.
  • Times when family vacation had to be moved to accommodate a major event at church.
  • Times my heart was shredded when people we had invested in, loved dearly, grown so close with left the church. Some went quietly, lacking the courage to tell us directly. Some made a lot of noise, telling everyone they could how terrible Saddleback was. All I knew was it hurt. Badly.
  • Times when my kids were treated unfairly; when too-high expectations by Sunday school teachers and youth workers and church members who thought the pastor’s family should be perfect all the time created pressure for them.
  • Times when the stress of living with a mentally ill child who threatened suicide on a regular basis made it almost impossible to do the standard meet-and-greet on the patio — clenching my teeth in a forced smile that belied the ache and anxiety in my heart.
  • A time when grieving my son’s death in public was a burden too heavy to carry and I couldn’t go to church for four months.
Yes, the cost has been high. Not only has our family paid a price in ministry, we have been tested by breast cancer, melanoma, mental illness, chronic and debilitating illness, a brain tumor, suicide, catastrophic loss. Sometimes God has moved mountains and parted the Red Sea for us; sometimes he hasn’t. Sometimes I can hear God and sometimes I can’t. Trouble, disappointment, and sorrow have grown a resilient soul. How can you develop resilience? What does it look like to stay in ministry when the wheels come off the bus? Where do ministry families go for help when addiction, adultery, rebellious kids, financial ruin, cancer, soul-scarring criticism, or a loved one’s death leave us burned out, bitter, or broken? Is it really possible to not only survive but thrive? How do we release the God-given gifts and abilities to bless and grow the church? Is there such a thing as loving a life in ministry? Sacred Privilege: Your Life and Ministry as a Pastor’s Wife takes a raw and honest look at those crucial questions. As I’ve traveled and listened to pastors’ wives from around the world, the questions, issues, and challenges are identical. Even though we experience a variety of cultures, pastors’ wives need the same encouragement, inspiration, and direction to become resilient in the reality of the pluses and minuses, ups and downs, joys and sorrows that come with a life in ministry. April 16, 2017, is coming — our 38th Easter. I still say being a pastor’s wife is a sacred privilege, the highest privilege I can imagine.

Recent Articles

How to Refuel Mid-Flight

How to Refuel Mid-Flight

During the Cold War, the Strategic Air Command operated 24 hours a day as a shield of protection for our nation. This meant that at any point in a given day, there were combat-configured bombers flying to assure the safety of our nation. To extend the range of these planes, the military perfected mid-flight refueling, which allowed the planes to fly longer without running out of fuel. A refueling plane would actually fly up next to a Strategic Air Command plane, dock in, and refill the plane’s fuel tank.As a pastor, you need to learn how to refuel your life in mid-flight. You can’t just hop off to Tahiti every time you get tired and discouraged. You need to keep going. You have to learn how to recharge yourself by reconnecting with God in the middle of your hectic lifestyle. The fact is, ministry takes energy. What do you do when you run out of energy? The Living Bible paraphrase of  Psalm 94:19 says, “Lord, when doubts fill my mind, when my heart is in turmoil, quiet me and give me renewed hope and cheer.” Are you ever quiet? Americans are afraid of silence. It makes us very uncomfortable. The moment you get in your car, the radio goes on. The moment you get home, the TV goes on. Very little of your life is honestly quiet. But the Bible’s wisdom, in effect, says this: “If you want to lower your stress, it’s as simple as this: Shut up. Be silent. Stop talking and start listening.”Once a day, go outside, sit down, and just be quiet. I’m not talking about reading your Bible (though you also ought to read your Bible every day). I’m just talking about getting alone for five minutes a day and being completely silent. Ask God a question, and then just sit there and listen.Sometimes people say, “God, I really need your guidance on this,” and then they get up and walk off. They don’t wait for an answer. If you never hear from God, it may be that you never listen.Learn to take mini breaks during the day. When you feel your pressure rising, just stop and say, “God, I want to tune in to you again. I want to focus on you.” This doesn’t have to take 30 minutes. Take even 15 or 20 seconds—just little mini-breaks—where you stop and be quiet.Why is this important? Because the race of life is tough. Inevitably, ministry is tough. We get distracted, discouraged, and start to doubt. And you start wondering, “Maybe I shouldn’t be pursuing everything God is calling me to do in ministry. Maybe I should just coast for the next couple of months.” When you coast, you start heading downhill. You go the wrong way.Discouragement leads to doubt. How do you defeat doubt? Here are three things I remember when I’m discouraged that you can remember too:1. I remind myself of God’s goodness yesterday. I make a list of all the things he’s done in my life, and I express my thankfulness. The attitude of gratitude is the healthiest emotion you can have.2. I remember God’s presence today. I remind myself that he’s with me right now. Even when I feel like I’m completely alone, I’m not. I’ve just forgotten that he’s there with me. I remind myself that God has promised things like, “I’m here. I’m going to help you. I’ve promised I’ll never leave you or forsake you. I’m with you right now in this crisis.”3. I remind myself of God’s promises for tomorrow. There are more than 7,000 promises for us in the Bible. Each one is like a blank check that I can write out: “God, I am claiming this one today. I’m turning in this coupon.” He has said, “I will give you strength. I will give you the necessary tools to accomplish the task I’ve given you. I will give you the wisdom you need in this situation if you’ll just call on me.”I don’t need to doubt God’s goodness yesterday, God’s presence today, or God’s promises tomorrow. I don’t need to doubt. I don’t need to be discouraged. I don’t need to be distracted. I can let God renew my spirit daily.If you want to last over the long haul of ministry, you need to learn how God can help you recharge yourself spiritually, emotionally, physically and mentally. 2 Corinthians 4:16 says, “For this reason we never become discouraged. Even though our physical being is gradually decaying, yet our spiritual being is renewed day after day” (GNT). God promises to renew your spirit daily. So you need to figure out what renews you. Make a list of the things that keep you going, the things that re-energize you. Then do those things over and over.
Essential Conditions for Fruitful Ministry

Essential Conditions for Fruitful Ministry

Most people are interested in productivity. But the Bible doesn’t use the word "productivity;" instead, you’ll find the word "fruitfulness.” God wants us to have fruitful ministries, so this week I want to show you some principles that will produce a godly fruitfulness in your life. I believe there are four conditions that are essential for a fruitful ministry.First, you must cultivate roots.God says there’s no fruit without roots. You need roots, particularly when your resources are limited, for when times of drought come along.Drought, as you know, is a long period without rain. We had one here in California that lasted seven years! A drought in your life is whenever you must do without something you need, such as time, energy, money, or support. There will be times of drought in your ministry. Perhaps you’re even in one now.Second, you must eliminate the weeds in your life and ministry.The weeds in your ministry, and in your life, are things that hinder or limit your spiritual growth. Weeds are the things that choke your relationship to Christ or that prevent you from further growth.How much effort does it take to grow weeds? None at all! You don’t have to cultivate weeds. In fact, that’s the difference between a weed and a vegetable. You feed, water, and cultivate a vegetable, and sometimes it still dies! Pay no attention to a weed, and it still grows.Weeds are a sign of neglect. I’ve found that when I neglect my quiet time, when I neglect my personal maintenance, like walking and staying physically fit, and when I neglect key relationships in my life, the weeds start to grow and begin choking my productivity.Third, you must cooperate with God’s pruning in your life.What is pruning? Pruning involves cutting off not only dead branches but also living ones in order to improve the shape of the plant and stimulate growth. Pruning is essential for increased productivity. It’s not optional. If you’re going to be productive in ministry, God will put you through times of pruning. He prunes you for fruitfulness. In your life it’s not only the dead wood that God cuts off; he also cuts back areas of success, even areas that are bearing wonderful fruit. When he does this you might struggle to understand why, but the reason is he is preparing you for even greater ministry.Fourth, you must wait for the harvest.Growing fruit takes time. It doesn’t come automatically. You don’t plant a seed in the ground and harvest it the next day.My wife loves nasturtiums. I bought her some seeds two years ago, and to this date, we still don’t have any flowers. The reason is because the seeds are still in the pantry in an envelope!It’s common sense: Seeds must be planted first. You’ve got to cover them up with dirt, and then you wait and pray and expect growth.Just as a seed creates new life out of death, for you to be more effective in your ministry there’s a dying to your old nature, a dying to your own desires and ambitions in the waiting process. Growth takes time—but don’t give up. Stay plugged in to Jesus Christ.Maybe you’ve been dormant in your ministry for some time. My prayer is that you’ll give yourself to Christ, saying, "Lord, I want to work on these four things: cultivating my roots, eliminating the weeds, cooperating with your pruning, and waiting for the harvest. God, I trust you with what I’ve planted, and I trust that what I have sown I will inevitably reap a harvest for you.”That is the law of the harvest.
8 Questions to Define New Ministries

8 Questions to Define New Ministries

As I’ve mentioned before, I didn’t start most of Saddleback’s ministries. They were launched by people in our church who felt called by God to address a particular need they saw.The job of our staff and me was to help equip those lay leaders to succeed. One way we did that was to help them define their ministries so that the ministries would be more effective.  Ministry is too important for us to do it haphazardly. Eternities hang in the balance. We can’t just say, “I’ll give it my best shot!” Instead, we should think through the ministries we’re launching so they have the best chance to make an impact. Jesus told his followers to be “as wise as snakes and as innocent as doves” (Matthew 10:16 CEV). Jesus expects us to be strategic in our work. That’s why it’s important to walk through the process of defining a ministry with its leaders before you launch it. These eight questions will help you and your leaders do just that.1. What does the ministry do?Every great ministry starts with a clear purpose. If you don’t know what you’re trying to do, you’ll never know if you’ve succeeded. A thriving ministry will define its purpose in a way that answers two key questions:What are we here to do?What are we not here to do?Remember, no ministry can do everything. When you clarify your purpose, you focus your energy on what matters most.2. What values drive the ministry?Values are like the DNA of your ministry—they shape every decision and action. Whether you realize it or not, every ministry is driven by values. The question is, are they the right values? At Saddleback, we learned early on that values shape culture. They define what’s important to us and what makes us unique. For one of our values, we chose humor—taking God seriously but not taking ourselves too seriously. It worked great for our children’s and youth ministries but looked different in our grief support group. That’s okay! The key is to define the values that best fit your ministry. 3. Who are you trying to reach?Every ministry reaches someone, but no ministry reaches everyone. At Saddleback, we used five concentric circles to define who we were trying to reach: Community, Crowd, Congregation, Committed, and Core. I’ve always taught that you need to be clear on which group you’re targeting. Are you reaching the unchurched in your community? Or are you helping mature believers grow deeper? Knowing who you’re trying to reach helps you design a ministry that actually connects with them.4. What is your plan?Here’s a mistake I see a lot of leaders make: They plan out their strategy before they pray. But Proverbs 16:9 reminds us, “We can make our plans, but the LORD determines our steps” (NLT). At Saddleback, we taught our leaders to get alone with God, pray, and ask him questions like:Where do you want this ministry to be in six months?If nothing was impossible, what could this ministry look like a year from now?Then, just listen. God’s vision is always bigger than ours.5. What steps will you take to improve the ministry?Every ministry needs systems. Just like your body needs systems to function—like your nervous system and circulatory system—your ministry needs systems to grow healthy and strong. Systems bring consistency and scalability. They keep you from reinventing the wheel every week. Ask yourself:What systems will help this ministry operate smoothly and effectively?How can we improve our existing systems to work smarter, not harder?How will we measure our success and learn from our failures?When you build effective systems, you build a ministry that lasts.6. Who do you need on your team?No ministry is a one-person show. If anyone in history could have built a ministry on his own talents, it was Jesus. Instead, he built a team of 12. The question your leaders need to ask themselves isn’t, “Who can help?” Instead, they need to ask, “Who has God already prepared to be a part of this ministry?”Look for people who are passionate about your purpose and who share your values. God will equip those he calls to come alongside you.7. How will the ministry serve people?Every ministry exists to serve people in some way. It’s important that ministries understand the core needs they are meeting.In Luke 2:52, the Bible tells us, “Jesus increased in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and men” (NKJV). The four areas of growth seen in the life of Jesus (intellectual/emotional, physical, spiritual, and social) provide a framework for leaders to think about the ways their ministries are helping people grow. 8. How does the ministry fit into your church’s structure?Every new ministry your church starts should fit into the congregation’s overall structure. At Saddleback, we always asked, “Which of the five purposes does this ministry support—worship, fellowship, discipleship, ministry, or evangelism?” Ministries that complement the church’s mission have the greatest impact.Answering these questions will help your ministry leaders get a good grasp of the ministries they’re leading. But remember, the goal isn’t to get busy; it’s to be fruitful. When you define your ministry with clarity, you’ll see God do more than you ever imagined
Overcome Ministry Fears with Honesty

Overcome Ministry Fears with Honesty

Ministry is deeply relational. Just about everything you do as a pastor—preaching, leadership, evangelism, and more—hinges on your relationships. But fear threatens those relationships. Relationships are built on trust. So if you can’t be honest in your ministry relationships because you’re afraid, you can’t thrive in ministry.  As a pastor, you face a tremendous amount of pressure to hide important parts of who you are. Many times, your congregants don’t want you to be honest. They want to put a halo on you and pretend you’re never tempted. They want to think, “Of course my pastor doesn’t fall to temptation—he doesn’t face what I do!”But you and I know that’s not true. Still, we’re afraid to let those we lead see who we really are. You can’t overestimate the damage that kind of dishonesty does to your ministry relationships. Three specific fears—all borne from our desire to hide who we really are—are particularly problematic for leaders. Fear of Your Faults: The Trap of DefensivenessWe don’t like to admit weaknesses and mistakes. As pastors, we know some people won’t understand, so we hide our failures. Sometimes we even blame other people. That’s what Adam was doing when he said to God, “It was the woman you gave me who gave me the fruit, and I ate it” (Genesis 3:12 NLT).Adam accused and excused—two very common reactions when we’re confronted with our weaknesses. We accuse someone else and excuse ourselves. We become defensive. Defensiveness creates walls instead of bridges in ministry. It will undermine your trust with your congregation, your staff, and even your family. When pastors can’t own their faults, it sends everyone the signal that image matters more than integrity.Don’t be that pastor. Confess your failures. Be open about your weaknesses. Honesty makes you a more credible leader.Fear of Your Feelings: The Isolation of Emotional DistanceOur inclination as pastors is to hide our emotions. You may believe that leaders shouldn’t show emotion—particularly hurt, anger, or disappointment. So you just stuff those emotions deep inside. Sharing our emotions, we believe, is a liability we can’t afford.That instinct goes all the way back to the first pages of the Bible. When Adam and Eve sinned and God confronted them, Adam’s first response was to hide: “I heard you walking in the garden, so I hid. I was afraid because I was naked” (Genesis 3:10 NLT). Fear led the first couple to withdraw, just as we’re tempted to do.But when we hide and suppress those emotions, we don’t eliminate them. They don’t disappear. They deepen. That hurt festers into resentment, and resentment hardens into bitterness. Unresolved disappointment erodes our joy and isolates us from the people we are called to lead.  In more than 50 years of ministry, I’ve learned this: Vulnerability isn’t a liability—it’s a strength. Let me share an example of how openness can enhance ministry instead of hindering it.In Saddleback’s early days, we struggled to secure land for a permanent home in Southern California’s expensive market. One time, after 18 months and $100,000 of investments from our congregation—many making significant sacrifices in order to give—the deal fell through. We lost all the money and time.I felt deeply discouraged. I felt like a failure. I could have hidden those feelings, but instead, I shared them with the congregation.“I don’t know what happened,” I told them. “We did our best. I’m discouraged. We stepped out in faith. We believed we were following God, and I don’t know why this happened.”That moment of raw honesty rallied the church. They saw the setback as a shared challenge—and it prepared them for what was ahead. It became a turning point in Saddleback’s history.Fear of Losing Control: The Demands of PowerWhen we experience insecurity in our ministry relationships, we make demands. We try to micromanage our team and our congregation. Insecurity demands that we stay in control.Again, there’s nothing new about the impact this fear has on human relationships. God tells Eve in Genesis 3:16: “You will desire to control your husband, but he will rule over you” (Genesis 3:16 NLT). That kind of control—from both men and women—destroys marriage relationships. In the work of a pastor, it leads to a domineering leadership style that stifles creativity and trust within your team. The result is that your ministry becomes about serving you, not God. Be HonestHonesty is the only way you can overcome these fears. First, you must be honest with yourself. You can’t open up to anyone else about these fears if you aren’t honest about them to yourself.Then, come clean with God. He knows your failures already. They don’t surprise him. But he wants you to take them to him. Finally, be honest with others. Resist the urge to project perfection. That doesn’t mean you tell every person in your life every failure that you’re struggling to come to terms with. But it does mean that you don’t consciously try to hide your faults, emotions, and insecurities. Don’t let hiding become the overriding focus of your ministry.That decision to be honest with yourself, with God, and with others will be one of the most important ministry decisions you ever make.
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