I am a grateful believer in Jesus. I struggle with depression and self-worth, and my name is Michelle.
I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. Put simply, it’s an emotional dysregulation disorder causing me to have unstable moods, behaviors, and relationships. This affected my ability to do schoolwork, social life, and self-esteem.
As a teenager, I was deemed overdramatic, but my problems were all-consuming, and I couldn’t figure out how to handle them. I was suffering from severe depression and anxiety and began self-harming. My problems didn’t get any better with a diagnosis.
I had to figure out how to live with my problems and handle day-to-day life. My bad habits were running from my problems, ignoring them, and distracting myself because I didn’t want to deal with reality. My life was completely unmanageable. I got overwhelmed easily and was overtaken by my depression; doing tasks like going into grocery stores alone gave me such anxiety that I would avoid it at all costs, and all my relationships were extremely unhealthy. It was my extreme lack of self-worth that was my major issue.
I deemed myself unlovable. I allowed myself to be used and abused by men because I didn’t feel like I deserved any better. My mind was not being kind to me, and I was going insane, feeling like this would be my life forever.
My journey to try and feel better was spent with therapist after therapist and a trial of many different prescriptions. It seemed hopeless, but slowly things got better. I could identify where my problems lay and learned skills to help me in times of stress. We found a medication that worked, and I began to feel normal. It took time, of course, but I slowly learned to hold my thoughts captive, as 2 Corinthians 10:5 tells me.
Whenever I have a bad thought, even still today, I tell myself it is wrong. I say to the enemy that I will refuse to believe the lies about myself and that I stand on God’s words and truth. I believe solely in Celebrate Recovery Step 2: “We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”
I don’t seek outside counsel at the moment, but I am on medication to help me deal with my struggles. When I had my first child, I suffered from extreme postpartum depression. When I got pregnant with my second child, I immediately met with my doctor and got on medication right away to ensure I would have an easier time. At first, it felt wrong because I believed that as a mother, I should love my children and I shouldn’t need medicine to be happy with them. There were times that I felt overwhelmed and fearful and just all-around unhappy.
In the first share group I joined after my son was born, I just cried, and all the women comforted me and reassured me. They covered me in prayer, and I knew I would be okay. My CR family became my village and held me up when I felt I couldn’t stand alone. I had to find my worth in who God says I am.
Through Celebrate Recovery, my mental health improved, and I worked through the details of my past so that they don’t hold power over me anymore. Working through the Steps uncovered the parts of myself that still needed to heal. Ready or not, God wanted me to come clean and bring everything to the Light so He could help me. I realized that, ultimately, God was the healer, and He knew what parts of me needed to be washed clean. He now uses parts of myself I didn’t even know were there to bring glory to Him.
I am living proof that God uses broken people. He called and equipped me to teach in Celebrate Recovery. Teaching lessons, giving my testimony, and serving all give me the opportunity to heal and help others find healing. I am also able to grow out of my former shame and live the new life God has given me.
For me, having a diagnosis was not my first step in recovery. My first step was realizing I was not God. I had to admit I was powerless, and my life was unmanageable. In that, I continually give my life and will over to God and find my best version of myself.
If you would like to learn how to start your own Celebrate Recovery ministry, to contact your Celebrate Recovery Rep, please visit: https://crgroups.info/. To get involved in an already existing Celebrate Recovery ministry near you, please visit: https://locator.crgroups.info/.