How did this make an impact?

  1. No one person desires to become a single parent. we all fall short as the bible recognizes. when we do fall, we need a hand up not a hand out. it is our responsibility to help them out. it is our mission, the bible says to help the widows, the orphans, etc. God bless everyone.

  2. I’m a 40+ year old virgin Christian looking for a church that has a ministry for me. Not a singles ministry, those inevitably suggest that life is somehow incomplete without a spouse. I’m looking for a singles ministry that reflects the bible, as in Isaiah 56: 4-5 singles. We may not be physiological eunochs but we’ve gone 40+ years without sex and our blood doesn’t boil like it used to. Are we freaks to be discarded or are we members of the body of Christ? Society has already rejected us, our non inclusion in the church makes us feel the church rejects us too. I am a Christian but I haven’t gone to church in about a year because I just don’t fit in. There are ministries for married couples, there are ministries for singles (looking to become marrieds) there are even ministries for widows and widowers looking for companionship/acceptance but there are no ministries for us never marrieds who are not looking.

    We must instead cling to Isaiah 56:4-4 that tells us God not only values us as much as the married but God promises us an eternal blessing greater than children. It’s good that God promised us such because the church ignores us. We must cling to such passages alone because the church over looks them (and us).

    We understand passages such as “suffer the children” far better than most because suffering the children means celebrating a blessing we will never have. Instead Isaiah 56: 4-5 says we will have fare better blessings. We just wish the rest of the church would acknowledge such by not ignoring us.

  3. Hello. I read your blog with great interest! I am a single Christian looking for a church in the Charlotte NC area. I’m looking for one with an active Singles Ministry. Do you have a list of any such churches? Please help.

  4. This is so true. In SoCal where I live I’ve only seen ONE church have anything for younger singles. I went to a place once to check out their “singles” group…it was led by what appeared to be a homosexual man and about 30 women attended who looked to be about over 50. They assume younger people are all married or on their way and do nothing for them. Yet if you look at church demographics that isn’t the case. They have things for college students, and I think churches hope that they will suddenly get married and disappear into the married group. But marriage is a serious decision! Churches treat it like it is god and that you should rush into it with the first creature that asks you out (or visa versa).

    Another place I went to just suggested that i get “super involved” to meet more people. Yeah I worked the front desk and attended weekly meetings constantly…I met…NO ONE. In the end I didn’t end up with even one real friend from that church when it disbanded… yeah..that doesn’t work.

    I’ve tried the “social” and “community” groups at churches….nothing there either. Usually you run into a “creeper bob” type who is out trying to scout any new females of the church and get their number.

    The older you get (i.e. over 25) the more odd it is. Most people are married, engaged, or dating, and if you are single you really are left out (particularly as you hit 28+). This is ironic since many people are single between 25-45. In my case it really is no fault of my own. In my area there are very few people who follow God…its like pagan society 101. I went to some Christian clubs at my college, but those were always skewed at 80% female 20% male, 18% of the males already taken. My major was 95% female, both as an undergrad and graduate student. My college was 66% female (so low odds there too).

    My work? Well besides the fact that 95% of the people in my region and offices are pagan, the demographics is mostly female. I think in my offices I’ve met 3 guys. 1) a pagan 2) a gay man 3) a married guy with two kids. Yeah great odds!

    The online thing IS the real meat market. Its not a good one either. So many people say they are Christian but are not. The two friends I know who have done things ended up compromising their values. One who was catholic entirely abandoned it and 4 months later moved in with a guy. The other is dating a non-practicing one and disappeared off the map and talks to no one. Then suddenly changed her mind about sexual ethics… (um yeah)…

    I’ve come to think Godly, Christian men do not exist in our age range 28-38. It’s sad since I am really not picky- just want someone with a degree and a job and actually loves God. They don’t have to have the perfect body. I’m the type who would sit back and watch an action movie and actually enjoy it! Sigh..

  5. The biggest reason most churches do not have a single’s ministry is because many pastors see youth ministries as their ticket to more money. If they expand the youth ministry enough, and use it to bring in new members to the church, either they will get a raise or they will get an offer to pastor a bigger church paying more money. It is also easier for a pastor to get the women folk involved in youth ministries than it is to teach the church to pray and read their Bibles. It is very difficult in today’s society to teach men to the be the head of the household. It involves a lot of work in men’s Bible studies, prayer meetings, and men’s breakfasts which all take away from golf. If there is a single’s ministry, it is better to use it to get single moms into the church where they feel comfortable. In doing so, it means to run off single men who have never been married and have other agendas on their minds. In doing this, remember that if a young single man leaves the church, the first thing he will do is look at pornography. Also, a ministry that does outreach to the community requires spiritual gifts. I’m finding most pastors have problems with members of their churches moving in spiritual gifts–especially evangelism. They will attack speaking in tongues because we all know it is the lowest gift. It is garbage, then no one in the church will seek out any gift, and the pastor will be the big man on campus with much control. Evangelism is much harder work than pastoring a church and requires much more Biblical knowledge, sound theology to debate, knowledge of sciences and evolution, and a tremendously larger amount of prayer. Starting a single’s ministry to introduce unchurched single people into the church is hard work. I know in the denomination I’m in, the pastors do not want to deal with any individual who was not raised in church and will refuse to answer questions on any topic on the Bible. Teaching an adult 27 year-old divorced male who just came back from war and is struggling adjusting to civilian life about communion is not something preachers want to do. Questions are answered this way, “You should’ve learned that growing up! You know better than to ask that! It is disrespectful to be asking questions at church!” There usually is a finger pointing. Teaching is hard work.

  6. I’m J W & 38 years old. I’m a man. I’m on Facebook if anyone wishes to chat with me. I tried going to church but when I did, I got treated cold & I didn’t feel welcome & I got the cold shoulder because I’m single. I’ve been single my whole life & I’ve never had any children. I’m also still a virgin. I am however a porn addict. I’ve been battling porn addiction for years now. I was also molested when I was a child. I tried going to church but I didn’t feel welcome like I said. Sitting by myself is embarrassing & felt out of place. Basically, I felt like a fish out of water. I live in a small rural town which makes it even tougher for single men like myself to go to church by themselves because single men get treated like perverts or something. In small rural towns like the one I live in, you don’t see to many single men in churches.

    • fix your porn habit first before dating…. Can you talk to a pastor about it, get on an accountability group, visit “fight the new drug.” no woman is going to want get serious with you if you have that addiction problem…its huge..

  7. Yep, it happens everywhere. Perhaps God is calling you to start a singles ministry and help singles not be ignored? Be sure to see my site for help in this area. Ministries.

  8. I went to church with some single and married friends of mine and we sat in different locations. The single people were largely ignored while the couples were welcomed with open arms. Unfortunately, this happens across the country and churches wonder why singles avoid them like the plague.

  9. Amen. I have written the same kinds of things in my editorial commentaries. Especially the common excuse churches use to avoid singles ministries. “They become meet markets”. And, like you, I say, “SO WHAT?? Where else do you expect singles to meet other singles? Bars?” Churches should be ENCOURAGING singles to meet equally yoked singles IN their churches, instead of forcing them out to bars, or online dating.

    The original plan for the church was to be a COMMUNITY. Sharing each others lives, needs, burdens, blessings, etc…But we tend to toss singles out into the cold, on their own. Or we assume they have friends and family to help them. Not true. Many singles, (like me) have no close family, or any family nearby. Nor anyone who would help me in social areas, connecting me, introducing me to other singles, etc…Hence, if the church wont help singles, or love and welcome them, who else will?

  10. It is very interesting that the major denominations cry that they are
    declining in membership yet they do not seem to realize that
    one single male plus one single female might equal marriage and
    kids and more members. They keep on designing programs
    for families with children and forgetting about us singles. The people
    that run individual churches need to realize that we hurt too!!!

    • Hey Steve, yep, in 2000 years the leader of the church is still a married male about 45 with 2 kids while the congregation has changed considerably. Churches need to realize that truth..healthy families come from healthy singles. While not all singles will get married, esp today, most all desire it. I believe we need to be reaching singles like we want to reach all people for Christ–so that all become whole in Christ. But reaching singles may require some additional work, creativity, support, leadership, etc. But, when its done, it so worth it. Because the church I belong too as a 20 something supported singles ministry..I got the training I needed to learn the value of where I was in life until God moved me..that singleness wasn’t a death wish or end…but a place of fruitfulness. But you know, I am preaching the choir. I know there are some unhealthy singles ministries out there, failed ministries, ill equipped pastors and leaders..just like in all ministry. And I don’t have the magic pill to fix it all BUT, if you they would just do one thing…value us from the pulpit…that could make the difference in every single adult life. Recently I co-wrote and article with one of my UK leaders, David King on the Top 10 Ways to Minister to Singles Without Having a Singles Ministry. It’s on my website at I have met with so many churches who say, we don’t have the resources, the funds, the time, etc. or we don’t think we need to have separate ministry for singles, etc. so I wrote this article to say..then do these few things and see if your churches doesn’t begin to grow–I mean, everyone wants their churches to grow. And like you said, when some singles come together, they get married and have a family–even more growth. Thanks Steve for your input. Thanks for caring enough to comment. Blessings.

    • The fact is most of the churches in the U.S. are realy christians in name only. if they really cared
      about people instead of their pocket book most churches would have a ministry for their singles in their church , and I can guarentee a lot of their members would stay instead of being treate like a object not to be bothered with. years ago when I first became a christian I was told I was too old, yea at 35 for their singles ministry so I left the church.

  11. Hi Leigh, just like we have children ministry, women’s ministry, and so forth, singles ministry is just another way to reach a demographic of people that the church doesn’t always do a good job in reaching. As a single adult, I enjoy the friendships of other singles living at the same life-stage. While I also appreciate my married friends, I enjoy having some things separate. That is great the you are where you are but in the 25 years of starting, leading, and growing singles adult ministries, I find most singles do need and desire a community of others in the same life-stage. But unlike some singles ministries, we do encourage that ALL singles ministries only be a place to help singles become whole–that the ultimate goal is for all singles to become a part of the whole church. That singles ministry is simply a gate to bring people into the church..just like women’s, kids, mens, Spanish, missions, etc..types ministries are. So please know, not all churches are called to have a singles ministry…but all are called to minister to singles. I find that most churches do not do a very good job at this. Singles are continually ignored, not allowed to teach Sunday school or small groups, serve in the leadership of the church, or teach from the pulpit. Over half our country is now single–at some point in time the church needs to realize they are not doing a very good job at reaching us. If you look at the % of who is single in most churches, you will find that most churches this number is small. Now I have found some churches who are young focus have a huge singles population–but still how are they ministering to them? Do they provide education and resources for those who want to marry? How about single parents? Divorced? So you see Leigh, its not to separate out but singles ministry is design to include…bring together. It’s a way to reach this massive amount of people to bring them TO CHRIST. I hope that helps you. You are free to contact me personally if you like. My email and website are below. Thanks for your comments and I appreciate the fact that your church has managed to help all people feel loved and included. Let’s pray all churches would do this.

  12. Why make any divisions of the body? We are all individuals, but we form one body in Jesus. Christ calls us to unity.
    I can see having a safe place for single adults to gather for fellowship; but what better place than our extended Christian Family.
    I have been married, I have 2 wonderful adult children, 9 grandchildren and 2 great grandchildren. I have been a single parent, but now I am a single adult in my late 50’s.
    I am also an associate minister at Bread of Life Christian Fellowship of Mound House, Nevada. We are a small Family Integrated, Charismatic/Pentecostal body in Northwestern Nevada. Every Sunday after our Morning Worship we have our Family Fellowship Dinner and all in attendance are invited, no more encouraged to join us for a meal and much conversation. (We even have an occasional person come just for the meal and fellowship.) We reach singles as well as married families and we do not separate them into age groups, or Sunday School classes. We all worship together and learn the same things each time we gather; young, old, single, and married. It makes for some rather interesting Bible Discussion Classes, which we have weekly.
    We grow together as an extended family and everyone is wrapped in love and care, regardless of their background, age, marital status, or race. I have been with this fellowship of believers for nigh on 15 years, and I would never go back to a traditionally run church, for I never felt accepted for who I was as a individual regardless of my status.

  13. Excellent article — very insightful (as always), Kris!

  14. Kris…thanks for Keepin it real in bringing this reality to light and I thank God he called somebody to do something about it and I’m willing to help if need be…I cannot even begin to explain to the world how long I have been single it would be too embarrassing but to somebody with a real relationship with Jesus they understand callings and comisions and that our steps are ordered by the Lord.I’ve never experienced not even one moment of loneliness and all these years and have been able to do exceptional things like go over the peak of Mount Ararat in Turkey on a Noah’s Ark search team at the extremely athletic age of 54.I’ve been at Leslie Hale Ministries in Tarpon Springs for 21 years .there are no single women at all with the exception of 1 that my friend married 5 years ago

    • Hey Paul, its nice to hear from you and thanks for your encouragement. Singles ministry continues to be a struggle in most churches. I believe its spiritual warfare as the resources are out there to help churches start and grow their ministries. With over half of our country not married, we are not over half of the church. So let’s both pray for churches, pastors, marrieds and even single adults to see things the way God sees them. While not every church has to have a singles ministry, they all need to minister to singles–realizing that if you they don’t help singles become whole in Christ, they are missing the message of Christ. Also, a another needed prayer is in marriage preparation…I have found through my own work that 99.9% of all singles want to be married yet the church rarely has any teaching, training, or equipping in this area. We want healthy families but healthy families come from healthy singles. So again, more to pray about as the enemy continues to blind us. Thanks for your comment. Please check out my site and join my weekly prayer team. Blessings, Kris

  15. I live in a town of around 250,000 people (add another 60,000 during the spring and fall semesters when all of the college students are here) and we have a very large number of churches. However, after leaving my last church, I have yet to find one I would attend which has anything for singles, or even tolerates us.

    The last church I attended used to be a very welcoming place for everyone, young, old, married, single, with/without kids, etc. The singles group I was in was for people out of undergraduate school, but either working full time or graduate studies (mid-20s to mid-30s mostly). It had around 100 members with 50 or so being regulars and the rest attending when work and/or school allowed.

    However, over time the church leadership committee (comprised solely of married people in their late 60s or older) decided that having probably around 100+ singles (not counting the 18-25 year old college students) was just not acceptable. For about a year one of the old women would visit out class twice a month and tell us we needed to “hurry up and get into the ‘Young, Married Couples Class’” because that is what God intends. They also did their best to meddle in the class by trying to force our teachers (we had a wonderful couple as our teachers and they were the true definition of Christian) to make all of the classes about relationships, sex, morality, and other issues THEY thought we should be discussing each week. Thankfully they refused except when it was mandated twice a year for one Sunday. Oddly enough, usually no one showed up that day.

    When the harassment didn’t work, they went nuclear. First they got rid of the contemporary service that most singles attended, changed up all services/Sunday school times, giving us the choice of either “traditional” (for the old people) or “blended” which really meant 1-2 contemporary worship songs and a bunch of hymns. Church attendance dropped rapidly and they soon cut all funds off for the singles group. Thankfully our teachers were very wealthy and paid for it out of their own pockets, but it didn’t matter as by the time I left, the number of singles over the age of 25 and not counting those who were widowed, was down to 11 people.

    Since then, I’ve visited about 20 churches in this town (some I will not go to as I do not agree with their doctrines nor will I attend a church which has forsaken the Bible in order to be accepted by the ultra PC society of today) and not one has any kind of concern or interest in those of us who are single and older than college age, be it 30, 40, 50, etc. At the very best, we’re seen as defective or inferior and treated like third class citizens. We are worth nothing to the church, expect perhaps as readily available labor because the church assumes we have nothing to do with our free time. Many times those in the church look down on singles as being punished by God. Either we have some “unconfessed sin,” or our faith is weak or lacking, or at worst, we are really just potential adulterers and sexual deviants. To be told that (and yes, one “leader” in the church publicly said during a sermon that those of us who are single are so because of “unconfessed sin,” “weak/lacking faith” or aren’t really Christians and God is punishing us) when we are lonely, hurting, and desperately wanting the happiness other have, it is like driving a knife right through our heart and through our faith.

    Churches only care about families (preferably those with kids), children, and seniors. Those of us who are unlucky enough to be single for whatever reason (ugly, a past that makes other Christians see us as dirty/unclean even though we have repented to God for our past sins, do not make enough money, “too nice,” or whatever other reason people can think up to reject us) are just discarded and not wanted. (And I can only speak for myself or some guys I know as to why we’ve been rejected. I always got the “ugly” “too nice” or something about not having a salary high enough to support what the woman thought she deserved; but one guy I know usually gets rejected because his past was one of sex, drugs, and rock and roll. Today he is a good, Christian man who is still paying for his sins in this life because people think he is the Devil incarnate once they learn about his past.) When fellow singles of the opposite sex (and this goes for both men and women), and the church leadership both tell you that you are not wanted, you do the only thing you can, leave and not look back.

    It hurts more than can be described when one is so lonely they feel as though they could die from it; and the one place that should offer comfort to them, instead tells them to go away.

    I have no desire to attend church again. As a single, I am not wanted so why should I give up one of the two days I actually get to sleep more than 3-4 hours to go be around people who at best will whisper behind my back, or reject me to my face at worst? I can worship God on my own.

    • Hey Kyle, so sorry its taken so long for me to respond. As you can imagine I get a lot of emails. Thanks for this very passionate response to my article. I can totally relate on all points. So many singles out there feel the same. But please let me encourage you in something. When my church was not interested in start or reaching singles, I made a choice. I chose to stay in the church in serve in other areas, allowing marrieds to see me as not only a single but as a fellow follower and then, I joined a local group of singles for other things such as Bible study, social and missions projects. That para-ministry would one day be my own–I would take ownership and leadership. My time with the outside ministry didn’t take away from the work I was doing at my church but instead strengthened it. The church members got to know me as a follower of the Lord first and then single second. My attitude changed too from being someone who needed them to value me, include me and empower me to someone who wanted to value them, include them and empower them–meaning, I became apart of the solution vs. the problem. My goal was to become more like Christ, where God had placed me. In the meantime, I got involved in this other ministry that allowed those areas of my life that my church was not meeting to be met. I am still doing this today. My current church also does not have a singles ministry but values what I do for the Lord. They pray for me, encourage me and support my work. In the meantime, I have my own local singles ministry that allows me to have the fellowship and community I need. It also is a place I can train other singles to use the gifts God has given them. It’s a safe place to connect. Our singles group in no way hurts our churches but instead adds value to them. SOOOO, with this being said..maybe God wants you to start a singles ministry outside the church. If you need some help, go to my site at where there is a free handout and video’s to help you get started. Be sure to attend our annual retreat coming up over Labor Day at for leaders and for singles. But are back to back–in NC mountains. Come and get encouraged and empowered to do what God has called you to do. Take your hurt, frustration and discouragement and turn it to build the kingdom. Blessings, Kris

  16. J. W. Burford Second April 14, 2016 at 12:17 pm

    I’m 38 years old & I’m a still a virgin. I have been single my whole life. I never had a girlfriend & I’ve never dated or been kissed or been in love or felt love. It’s hard for me to go to church alone because in my small rural town, there is not a lot of single people. I’m kind of bitter that I never had a relationship & other people have. I’m also very shy & quiet which is another reason I don’t go to church. Churches in my town has nothing for singles. In two years, I’ll be a 40 year old virgin. I have no friends & I live alone. I don’t interact socially with other people hardly at all.

    • Hey J. W…so sorry for such lateness in response to your comment. I am so sorry you are so alone in your town. My first suggestion is to pray about moving to a larger city where you will not only find a larger church but groups of singles–and even singles ministry. While it sounds like you are discouraged about being a virgin, I applaud you at saving yourself. It takes courage to do that. Please know, I have friends who were at the same place as you and got married for the first time in their 40’s, 50’s, and even 60’s. But now, there is some things you might have to do–you will need to continue to pray, continue to serve the Lord where he has you, take a road trip and attend some singles ministry events. Now I am not a big online dating person but if you are in such a rural area, that might be another option for you to try–although it can be tricky and you may have to deal with rejection. Please know JW, Jesus was single and knows how you feel. I know how you feel as I am a never married too. Keep your focus on Christ and allow him to take you to the next place. Blessings.

  17. I really enjoyed your article and I wish more churches would pay attention to it. While I left my church for how I was treated due to my divorce. I was very involved within the church from Faith Evangelism (visitations outside the church), teaching 2 yr old Sunday School, to volunteering at functions etc. When it was common knowledge around the church my ex and I were getting a divorce, people whom I did all of the above and private bible study groups with avoided me like I had the plague. My Church failed me in my time of need while God kept me going. I have visited many other churches in my town and have found when speaking with the pastor or deacon’s of the church and I ask them, “What do you have to offer for single adults?” The answer I always get is “Well we don’t have any specific singles groups but I am sure we can find you a bible study group with women in your age group.” I want to be able to grow in my relationship with God with people like me who have experienced similar things like me (ie single divorced mother with kids). I don’t need married women advising me on how I am supposed to proceed in my life in ways other than my relationship with God. Believe me I’ve had many who advised me I needed to just go back to my cheating spouse and turn a blind eye. Sorry, that doesn’t work for me.

    • Hi Michelle, thanks so much for your comments and yes, I see this everywhere I go. More and more churches forgetting single adults. I believe it’s not a resource issue but a Spiritual issue. The enemy loves to tear down the family, even the ones who want to be a family. I believe Pastor’s have been blinded the enemy. Overwhelmed by full plates, programs and budgets, singles in their mind are just not that big of an issue. Because almost ALL pastors are married with kids, they either don’t believe singles adults now outnumber married adults or believe they need any particular ministry towards them. I hear over and over how they don’t want to separate us but have us be apart of the whole body. My answer is of course, that is what we all want. But in order for singles to become apart of the whole body, some need healing, restoration, friendships and support of those at the same life-stage and so forth. Singles ministry is just a gate-way, not an end. Singles ministry, when done right, equipping and building leaders, prayer, involvement in the whole church by working with the missions program or similar, can be a huge, vital part of the church. Now, on a positive note…there are many churches WHO DO care about single adults. I know because I teach at them on a regular basis. These churches have pastors, who may not totally understand singleness but do realize the value of ministering to them. They continue to invest by employing pastors and staff to lead them through Bible studies, Sunday school, small groups, counseling, etc. Please know, singles ministry is hard–people come in and out all the time. The younger the single, the more quickly they seem to move. The older the single, the less they move but the harder to change. So while I understand how hard it is and some churches do not have the skill or staff to oversee a singles ministry, I do not understand the “stick my head in the sand” if maybe we will go away. Jesus was single, and many others in the Bible. Although it was not God’s intent for so many of us to be single, we are here and we mean something to God. SOOO, what to do? Yes, you can search for a church that has a singles ministry–even having to move, you can go on my site at and gather resources, build a team of prayer warriors (including men), and go back to your pastor to ask to start a ministry or you can simply start your own outside your church–a para-ministry that COULD involve many churches. Either way, do what God has called you to do. Sometimes those closed doors is God opening a door for you to start something. That is what happened to me and look where God has me. Many blessings Michelle and start praying on what God has for you to begin.

  18. I’ve seen a lot of churches who only have ministries for men, women, children, and a worship or praise ministry. But then have classes for couples who are engaged or already married. If the church focused on how to help singles cope mostly people who no longer desire to be single and how to truly prepare to be a godly husband or wife them they wouldn’t have to spend so much time of how to counter act adultery , divorce and broken homes. I think people take what the Apostle Paul said as if it was law it was his opinion in that time period, don;t get me wrong God probably does call some people to be single but not every one how else would he establish families.

  19. Going to church as a single is downright embarrassing. As self conscious as you may feel by sitting alone, I have had ministers single me out to find someone for me to sit with, like it was an embarrassment to them. I have had church members and ministers seek me out after the service to ask why I was alone, did I know anyone there, who did I know, was I married, did I have a family, etc, to which I had to ashamedly admit no to all of the questions. It is painful to sit alone among all the families. But I certainly don’t want to be singled out. Trying to blend in is all I can hope for, but I am obviously standing out as being alone, my worst fear. I hope it doesn’t matter to anyone, but obviously it matters a lot and I really look out of place. I have gone with a male friend and it was all different. I was treated with much more respect.. We cant assume Christians have really had a change of heart, they can be cruel. I thought Christ gave us a new heart, well I wonder. No I don’t wonder, they haven’t. I even had a woman in the church (one that I didn’t normally attend) question me when I was describing my kitchen and said there was a bar (for food) assuming I was a heathen, she inquired if it was a well stocked bar. More judgmental than a heathen I would say. Actually heathens are often much nicer and not judgmental. I think Christ would prefer them. I do.


  21. I think you are right that the church generally does a poor job of ministering to singles. But I also generally do think it is better to include singles in the overall ministry of the church. I feel the same about men’s and women’s ministry. I think creating separate ministries for every major segment of the church leads to many problems. However, I agree that the church still needs to be intentional about loving and reaching out to every segment of the church.

  22. There are 3 main types of singles in the Church.
    1. Those who are single and wish to be so. For them, more power to them.
    2. Those who are single, but are indifferent to marriage. They say “if it happens, fine. If not, fine.”
    3. Those who, like Hannah, Sarah, Rachel, Rebekkah, etc., are all in extreme pain for the want of, not a child, but a spouse.

    Let’s focus on #3. For those, if the pain is real, then the Church leadership SHOULD address that pain. The Church should absolutely NOT, and I stress this point, NOT assume that these people are chosen by God to be single. They should also not assume that tenacity and persistence equals idolatry. Hannah begged God “year after year” for a son and Eli did not say, “Shame on you for your persistence” or “focus on God” or some similar platitude. Rather, he said, “May God grant you what you have asked of him.” THIS is what response the Church *should* give to those singles who approach Church leadership and ask, “Please pray for me because I want a husband or wife.”

    People have no qualms for prayer for a job. People have no issues with praying for the safety of a person deployed in the military. But if you dare ask for prayer for a husband or wife and they treat you as if you just asked them to pray that God will give you a trillion dollars. The default answer is, “Ummm, welll….” (pregnant pause).”

    Frankly, I’m getting really angry with Church leadership who are not only married (but that’s another issue), but fail to address the pain and needs of the single population. God’s template, laid down in Genesis 2, was for marriage, not singleness, despite Paul’s opinion that everyone should be single, mentioned in one of his letters. This was clearly not an edict or mandate from God because it would contradict “He who finds a wife, finds what is good, and receives favor from the Lord,” written by the wisest of all men, not to mention Gen 2.

    So my advice is simple:
    Single pastors, get off your butt and DO something for us singles. Pray WITH us. Pray FOR us. Pray OVER us, so that we might be receive the blessing of what YOU have, a spouse. Get together all 1000 singles that are in your church who are both single and don’t want to be, and invoke the name of God publicly, communally, and congregationally. Stop teaching ONLY generic Bible study lessons that have no relevance to singleness. If you bother to call your department the “Singles” department, but then do NOTHING to address our needs, then you are doing a horrible disservice for you demographic. There are 52 Sundays in a year. You can at least afford maybe 10 of those to be dedicated to lessons about loneliness, money (single person = one income), marriage, sexual issues (remember, single = no sex), and other REAL issues that we face on a daily, hourly basis.

    • christianpundit October 21, 2013 at 1:21 am

      Derek, I totally agree with your post. Many Christians (usually the married ones, but also occasionally the pious Christian singles who are thrilled with being single) will shame you and give you guilt trips or horrid platitudes if you admit you would like to marry, or if you ask if they would pray that God send you a spouse. You will hear cliches from them such as “Jesus is all you need,” “be content in your singleness,” or some other cliche’.

      I thought I would have been married by now. I followed all the rules and advice since childhood (I accepted Christ as Savior in my childhood), when I was told by my Christian parents, by preachers, and in Christian books about relationships, that if I simply waited on God’s timing, prayed, and had faith, God would send me a spouse. I was engaged once, but I made it a bit past my 40s now and have still never married. Churches do nothing to help singles who are past their mid or late 20s.

      About the only point I might quibble with you a bit is on the whole paradgim of the value or marriage vs. singleness, or the way you portrayed that. I like to uphold what Paul said about singleness, because too many married Christian people denigrate singlehood.

      Christian culture has elevated marriage so much in our culture that they have turned it into an idol, and anyone who does not obtain that idol (meaning a spouse and kids) is looked down upon, treated like a loser or freak.

      Christians need to learn to respect singles while they are single, to respect the state of singlehood itself, or, for the adults who deliberately choose to remain single their entire lives, they need to respect that choice as well, because God says He respects singleness (He says that via Paul).

      I don’t fit in anywhere in most Christian discussions on these topics. I am single, but at the same time, I desire marriage. I don’t want to be ignored by churches and Christian culture while I am single, nor do I wish to be treated like a loser freak by other Christians while I am single, -but at the same time-, I do NOT want my desire for marriage shamed, nor do I want to be made to feel as though I’m being selfish or wrong for wanting or seeking marriage.

      I too have noticed what you have- that Christians are fine with prayer for any topic under the sun, whether it’s for finances, healing of cancer, or what have you, EXCEPT for the unmarried person who makes a prayer request for a spouse. Christians will pray for anything except sending someone a spouse.

      Then, all the sudden, the response is, “wanting to get married is idolatry! I will pray instead that you find contentment in your single state.”

      About the only other group of Christians I see who get that similar treatment are infertile married Christian women who want to get pregnant; they sometimes get fed the cliched, obnoxious “be content as you are” comments, or, “just go serve in the nursery to satisfy your baby desires” lectures.

      But other than that, no other group is treated quite as horribly in Christian circles as never- married adults who are past the age of 35, and following at a close second are the widows, widowers, and the divorced.

      I have noticed that church members will cry buckets of tears, and spend a fortune on, ministering to homeless crack addicts, strippers, teen aged kids, and orphans in Africa, but won’t so much as lift a finger to help adult singles – whether that is spending more on adult singles ministries, praying for singles that God send them a spouse, helping them financially, inviting them over for meals on holidays, etc, whatever.

      I also agree with you that it would not kill preachers to sermonize on topics that are meaningful to singles. As it stands now, most preachers give far, far too many “how to have a great marriage” lectures, or “how to spice up your sex life” sermons. It’s completely nauseating how frequently preachers cater and pander to married couples but won’t do squat for adult singles.

      I went into more detail in a post about some of these things farther down this page in response to another person (though that post is now sitting in moderation), if you would like to see that (assuming that post ever gets approved to appear).

      • Christianpundit, I hope I did not come across as denigrating singleness. Perhaps it sounded that way because I lauded marriage so much, but then that’s my own personal perspective. Like I said, more power to those who are single and wish to be so.

        You mentioned that infertile married Christian women are treated similarly. Actually, I deliberately left out this group because I have personally witnessed the senior pastor of a large Baptist church, pause during a Sunday morning sermon, and deliberately offer up a congregation prayer for those women present in the church that day. This was not just his personal prayer, but a collective and pastor-led prayer that those who wanted a child, would have one by that time next year. I am sure that, in many churches, barren women are treated as you say.

        Imagine if I turned the tables and said, “well, rather than pray that your mother will be healed, I think I will just pray that you will be comforted with her death” or “well, we don’t know if your brother is meant to die in combat, so we can’t pray for his safe return.” If I, or someone else, did that, I’d probably get punched, or at least ostracized. Unfortunately, that type of argumentation doesn’t work a lot of times.

        One church minister objected to the idea of creating something for the singles with this argument, “You have to be careful because many of those who are currently single went through painful divorces.” Umm, hello? This is the logical equivalent of saying, “I am strongly opposed to teaching driver’s education to children because many of those children’s parents died in car accidents.”

        I sure hope that some singles pastors, or better, some senior pastors are reading these comments. I said it once and I will say it again in hopes of getting it across.

        Pastors, get up off your butts and HELP us. We want wives. We want husbands. Many of us are suffering in pain. Do I want you to become our matchmaker? NO! That’s God’s job. Don’t make it yours. But what you can and should do is pray with us, pray for us, and pray over us, that those of us who are and no longer wish to be, will be blessed with the pleasures of marriage. And make sure you do it publicly, openly, congregationally, not on a Thursday night in a disused room in the basement of the church, or worse, off site.

      • While prayer by and from other Christians is good in helping single Christians to marry, I would actually like to see practical steps taken to help singles who desire marriage to get married.

        I was raised when younger to be very passive about marriage, to believe if I just prayed and waited, that God would send Mr. Right across my path, but the older I’ve gotten, I’ve started to wonder if more human intervention is not called for.

        I personally would be grateful if fellow Christians would act as matchmakers. (I’ve tried dating sites, and they don’t work for me.)

        Of course, if Christians do act as matchmakers, they should ask the unmarried person for permission first, because some singles resent being set up on dates. But some of us would appreciate the help.

        Also, potential matchmakers should ask for a list of preferences or “cannot stands” if they are going to go into matchmaking mode. I have heard too many horror stories by single Christian women who were set up by well-meaning married Christian women with sinlge men who were all wrong for them.

        (I for one would not feel comfortable dating a guy over 5 or 6 years my senior, for example. I would not appreciate someone trying to fix 40 year old me up with a 70 year old guy.)

        Churches spend hardly next to nothing on adult singles ministries. IMHO, churches should pay for and hold singles mixers – social events – on weekends, not just for singles from their own church, but maybe invite adult singles from churches all over the area, where singles can meet and greet.

        But preachers and the larger group of Christians need to do something. There is a problem going on in the nation with a ton of us adult singles who want to get married, but we are having a very difficult time meeting adult singles in our age range.

        The single Christian women outnumber single Christian men. A lot of single Christian males do not attend church, either. You’re really forced into using dating sites, but dating sites are not the magical solution a lot of married Christians think they are.

        I am so tired of waiting for a Christian Mr Right to show up, and there seem to be so few Christian single guys, that I am now considering dating and marrying a Non Christian guy.

        Churches just do not care about the prolonged singleness problem that has been going on now for over ten years. It’s amazing.

        Married Christians and preachers complain and gripe about how singles are not getting married, but when we singles say we do want to marry, they scold us for being selfish, for supposedly “idolizing” marriage, tell us to “be content” and do nothing to help us get married.

      • >I would actually like to see practical steps taken to help
        >singles who desire marriage to get married.

        Prayer is practical. In fact, it should be the first option, not the last ditch effort. After all, which do you think would accomplish more – trying to find a spouse on your own, or allowing God to find one for you. God is the penultimate matchmaker. He knows every single nuance in what makes you and your spouse tick. God knows the perfect person for you. Many people balk at the term “perfect” when talking about husbands and wives. I thoroughly understand there is no such thing as a perfect moral specimen of a human. However, the gift itself is the thing that is perfect. “Every good and perfect gift is from above,” says the Word of God. In other words, to receive a gift from God, whether that gift is a job or a wife, that gift is perfect.

        My church, and every church I’ve attended seems to go about it this way:
        1. Form social get-together for the singles (e.g. dance, outing, dinner, etc.)
        2. Stir
        3. Hope that some marriages spring forth
        4. Leave God out of the process.

        Um, that’s fine, but if God created marriage, let’s involve God heavily in the process. If the wedding is the public creation of the marriage, and if the wedding is performed in the church, then the church should be involved in the process.

        >I’ve started to wonder if more human intervention is not called for.

        Which is more practical, human intervention or divine intervention? I agree with you that any good intentioned attempt to be a matchmaker by a Christian for a Christian should be preceded with permission. However, listing what you like and dislike leads to other problems I’ve noticed. Once the “matchmaker” hears the list, they usually launch into impugn-mode, to challenge your list. They hear the list and the first word out of their mouth is, “Wellll……” They hear the list and start picking it apart.

        I recently heard of a singles conference held in the UK last month (Sep 2013) where singles were allowed to share their experiences with each other. That’s fantastic. The more discussion about this issue, the better. What they need to do though is to gather together in one room all singles who no longer wish to be single (remember, there is power in collective prayer, cf. Acts 2). Then publicly invoke the name of God in collective and communal prayer, and request that each person there who is in pain for the want of a wife or husband, would be blessed with their hearts’ desire. But the church says, “Oh NO! We can’t have that.” And yet, churches seem to find time for weight loss classes, finance classes, parenting classes, etc. Perhaps what needs to be done is to gather together several hundred brothers and sisters in Christ who all want to be married and approach their church, en masse, and request that it be done. It’s more difficult for them to say no to 500 people than to one lonely person wanting to rock the boat.

        I don’t understand why church’s need to pay for such things. How hard is it to simply ask singles to come in to the church on a Saturday night to collectively pray for a wife or husband? Don’t over think or over-cost things, I feel like telling them.

        You mentioned (and other articles at this site) that churches complain that singles are not getting married. Actually, after carefully observing the goings-on in the singles ministries at churches I’ve been to, I’ve never observed any *active* complaining. Quite to the contrary, I don’t see any discussion either way. No positive comments. No negative comments. It’s simply not discussed at all. Bible study lessons in the Singles ministry are generic. Lessons are just as appropriate in a singles ministry as in a married ministry or a senior adult ministry. Lessons are NEVER tailored for the singles demographic.

        > they scold us for being selfish, for supposedly “idolizing”
        >marriage, tell us to “be content” and do nothing to help us get married.

        Any person who tells you to wait or be patient, but they themselves did NOT wait, has a double standard. Typically, advice comes from marrieds. And worse, they frequently did not save their virginity for their spouses. So not only do they have no right to tell us to wait, they didn’t even wait for their own spouses. This is the reason why I am saving my very first kiss for my wife at the altar, and not one moment sooner.

        I understand your difficulties and pain, but I strongly advise against dating (or worse) marrying a non-Christian. I know the situation looks bleak when you look at the numbers and statistics, e.g. there are more women…etc. However, when God enters the picture, statistics go out the window. You could be living in a town of 10 people and somehow, the Creator of the Universe could still find a way to provide the perfect husband for you. It’s ridiculous to think that the same God who has the power to stop the Earth from rotating on its axis (See Joshua 10) cannot find for anyone the ideal spouse.

        I would encourage you to fill out prayer responses cards (most churches keep prayer quiet and secret, not open and public) and ask for prayer for a husband. Be bold! Don’t let anyone discourage you from wanting a husband, and wanting a SPECIFIC husband if you so wish. Be persistent. Fill out the cards every single Sunday, or more. Be like the man banging on his neighbor’s door in the middle of the night in Luke 11. Jesus never admonished persistence. In fact, he demanded it.

      • christianpundit October 29, 2013 at 6:50 pm

        Hi. I don’t have time right now to read your whole post, I was only going to reply at this time to your comments about prayer. Of course I prayed for a spouse, it was my first line of activity. But it did not work.

        I prayed from the time I was age 10 or 11, through my 20s and beyond, and I’m still single in my 40s. God – if he exists, I am no longer so sure – apparently does not care to get involved as “matchmaker” for people who are Christians.

        If I keep sitting about only “praying,” I shall never get a spouse. I used to naively believe promises of Scripture (and many preachers I heard also shared this view) that if only you pray, wait, have faith, that God will give you whatever you ask, but I’m afraid that is not true, have no idea why Jesus Christ uttered those words (‘whatever you ask in my name it will be done’).

        The simple fact is, you can pray in faith for decades for a spouse and God won’t get off his butt and send you one.

        Getting married is kinda like getting a college degree: if you want one, you have to go out and get one. If you pray, “Oh Lord, do send me a college degree,” it’s not going to happen. You have to enroll in college, drive to the campus daily, and take classes and study if you want to earn a degree. God is not going to just hand you a degree or accredit you with one.

        There are many, many Christian women my age in the same situation: they prayed their little hearts out for a husband and are STILL single.

        So I find your recommendation for “more prayer” useless, a bit insensitive, and naive. Single women have already tried prayer, and prayer did not work.

        Also, if you read books such as “Quitting Church” by Julia Duin, you will find interviews in there with people who got married only AFTER they joined dating sites, or a friend set them up for dates, etc.

        Their years of prayer did not get them a spouse, but them asking a friend to fix them up on a date or what not did help, or using a dating site.

        It’s a little, I dunno, insensitive and unrealistic to tell an over- 40 year old such as myself who has prayed for a husband since age 10 to “keep it up.” No thanks.

        I’ve already changed the dating status on my dating profiles form “Christian men only” to “Atheist or whomever” . I will also be hitting bars and nightclubs in the future.

        Sitting about praying and waiting = failing strategy. We have an expression in America, that it is the definition of insanity to keep doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results.

        Time to change strategy for me, no more prayer, but lots of nightclubbing, dating sites, etc., considering Non Christian men.

        Christian men are no better than Non Christian men in the morality department.

        I keep a list on my blog of news stories of many Christian men (some are even preachers) who have been arrested for child molesting, stealing, drug dealing, murder, rape, and one guy, a Baptist preacher, was found by police to be a serial killer!

        I also have many stories on my blog of Christian men who are porn addicts, cheated on their wives. I see no advantage in marrying a Christian person, since they seem no more ethical than an average Non Christian.

        I appreciate your taking the time to reply and suppose you meant well, but I have already tried some of your advice, and at my age, I find some of your advice, well, rather naive.

      • Christianpundit, if your belief in God in dependent on whether you receive from God what you ask, then you’ve misunderstood Scripture. If you take God out of the picture, then what is the POINT of getting married? Go live, drink, eat and be merry for tomorrow we die. Go to eastern Europe or the Philippines and buy a husband, or simply pay for a lover off the street. If there is no life after death, no Heaven, no God, then who cares what you do with your life now. When you die, you’re worm food.

        However, the evidence is overwhelming that there is a God and He is not a cosmic vending machine, nor is He a celestial grinch, who wants to take your fun away and make life miserable. Quite to the contrary, Jesus makes it very clear that God wants to pour out blessings until we cannot hold them anymore.

        > Getting married is kinda like getting a college degree

        No it is not. College degrees are not people. There is no reciprocation with a degree, or a car, or a job. If there is no MUTUAL attraction, there isn’t much point to marriage. Granted, every time that Hebrews 11 lists the great people of faith, they DID something. If you read through that passage, you will see a pattern. Abraham had faith and he WENT…. Moses had faith and he , Jacob had faith and he . And so on. You don’t find someone in that passage where it says, “So-n-so had faith, and sat on his butt”. But you’re wrong if you say that God does not provide spouses. If you were correct, Eve would never have been created. Nor would have the wives of Abraham, Moses, Joseph, Peter, Joshua, and so on. God may not drop one into your lap, but He might. That’s not my call.

        To say that God does not care is the height of arrogance. It presumes that you know Him better than He does. You have no idea what He’s thinking because you can’t see the cover of the puzzle box. Nor can any one of us.

        >So I find your recommendation for “more prayer” useless,

        >a bit insensitive, and naive. Single women have already tried

        >prayer, and prayer did not work.

        How the hell do they know it didn’t work? They’re still alive! Life ain’t over yet. Prayer is never useless. Nor is telling someone to pray insensitive or naive.

        >It’s a little, I dunno, insensitive and unrealistic to tell an over- 40 year

        >old such as myself who has prayed for a husband since age 10 to “keep it up.”

        As an unkissed virgin, I’ve EARNED the right to say that. If I were married, or had soiled my virginity in high school or college, like millions of others in the U.S., I would not have the right to tell anyone else to wait. As someone who has waited “year after year” to quote the author of 1 Samuel 1, for a wife, I have every right to tell someone else to wait. I know that WE (yes, we) don’t like to hear it, but what other choice do you have? Be very careful that you don’t wind up like Rachel who said, “Give me children or else I die.” She got her wish. She got her children and she died.

        >We have an expression in America, that it is the definition of insanity

        >to keep doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results.

        There is one problem with this. It’s based on the false notion that you ARE doing the same thing over and over again. In fact, you may very well not be, even though it appears as if you are. There are too many variables at play for you to believe this. Jesus prayed THREE times in the garden of Gethsemane to not go through death. Why three? Why not just once? If ever there was someone who could just pray one time and receive, it was Jesus. And yet he prayed more than once. But more importantly, if you think that God is somehow bound to the laws of physics or time, you’ve misunderstood Scripture. If you read Scripture and think that God can heal a blind man, or a deaf person, or bring someone back to life, or create planets at will, but can’t stop your aging process, or make you young again so that you can spend your youth with your husband, this is being intellectually inconsistent.

        Remember, we are meant to be naive, if, by naive you mean innocent or unworldly or childlike. Remember, Jesus said, “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.” And guess what the Greek word for “never” means. It means never. He also said to be as wise as a serpent, but as innocent as a dove. So if you call me naive, I’ll take that as a compliment.

        I agree with you that some Christian leaders or priests, pastors, and ministers are flaming hypocrites. They steal and murder and commit adultery. But you would make a mistake if you are basing your trust and faith in THEM, and not God and His Christ.

      • Christianpundit, I am so sorry you are going through this. I would highly recommend Candice Watters’s Get Married: What Women Can Do to Help It Happen. Debbie Maken’s Getting Serious about Getting Married: Rethinking the Gift of Singleness is also good, in a way, but a little too male-bashing, I think.

    • This comment. So much win.

    • I was told God called me to be single but was also told he’s my husband Smh no he’s not
      I was told Jesus was all I need from people who were married and lived otherwise
      I was condemned for praying for a spouse
      I get so angry at other Christians who elevate themselves and tell others WHAT THEY THINK God called you to do . That single calling killed me emotionally and has really ruined my life
      I can’t have kids and was told God wanted me to adopt Smh

      Too many married people shove their marriages into your face too !!!

      This one radio host totally ignores single Christians and its all about the marrieds with kids crowd . Ok not all of us who are single are shacking up ! Some of us actually dont havd someone !! I’m 38 and been single my whole life ! No doubt the devil and other christoans stole my happiness and joy!!!

      • I agree with you Kathryn when you say that people should not put words in God’s mouth and presume to know what God’s plan is for a particular person’s life.

        I’m sorry to hear that you’ve encountered so much vitriol from other followers of Christ. I recommend that in the future, continue praying for a husband. Do not give up. Ever. Publicly request prayer. Don’t shy away from that. If you are laughed at, like I was, ignore it. Or, you could laugh at their prayer requests to help teach them of their own double standard. Then they’ll understand….hopefully.

      • Awesome you should think of soithemng like that

    • 1 more thing . Quit using I cor 7 As basis for God calling one to be single . Its beyond me why many Christians are Imposing singlness on singles and wanting them to embrace being single
      For one coming from someone who’s not single Is hypocrisy and double standard to me ! God didn’t call them to be single but did me ?

      Also this one Christian radio host , who Is single , sent me a whole pamphlet With failed attempts of bible verses , I cor 7 included , about beimg single and how God prefers it
      God ? Paul did ! God and Paul are not the same person !!!

      Paul has Really ruined me too

      Bottom line – quit forcing singlness on those who dont want to be single
      Quit the platitudes , off topic bible verses or stories of other relatives who are single

      Yes you church people ! Been angry at you for decades !!

      • I agree with you also when differentiate between Paul and God. Paul was merely expressing his own opinion in a letter to the church at Corinth, which may have been heavily biased by the times in which Paul was living. Corinth was heavily corrupted sexually.

        Furthermore, if Paul is correct, then all mankind would vanish after one generation because no marriage = no children = no more people. Duh.

        Furthermore, if Pau’s opinion was a mandate for all, then it would then contradict God’s mandate, which was laid down in Genesis 2 when God declared that man’s aloneness was NOT good. In fact, it was the very first thing that was declared to be not good.

        Furthermore, Adam walked and talked with God, alone in the garden of Eden. Who else in history was that close to God, aside from Jesus? And yet, still God saw something wrong with that arrangement, and created Eve.

        Furthermore, one of the signs of the end times, written about in 1 Timothy 4:3, was the forbidding of marriage. So those people who think that all people should be single…not good.

        Lastly, Paul didn’t “ruin” you.

    • this is so true.. LOL. Churches in my area NEVER talk about singles, or they talk about it like its a curse, then they don’t do anything to even remotely help us to meet anyone. Or they turn around and say “its always a blessing.” I think there are a lot of different facets to it. Churches idolize marriage so much (and don’t talk bout how difficult it is) which leads to #3 happening to a lot of people – particularly women. I’ve met so many women in churches who marry whatever dolt just attends church and asks them out (even if the dolt isn’t a good match or has anything in common with them or is immature!).

  23. please don’t refer to divorced people as being single – its false advertising and misleading. one who is divorced has been married before. single is one who has never been married

    • Depends on the reason for divorce. Jesus gave 4 legitimate reasons for divorce, including death, abandonment, and unfaithfulness. Those people are released from the vow and are allowed to marry again.

  24. As a single never-married man now into my early 40s I have noticed that there are only a few groups that the church as a whole focus on: married people, children, teenagers and the elderly. If they do have a single’s ministry it usually cuts off at about age they expect any people over 25 to be married. When I grew up in church I was given the impression that it was unspiritual to look for a mate in church or for church to be a “meat-market”. This is damaging to the church because where else are we expected to find a godly mate? Should we use the methods of the world? No, we SHOULD be finding them in church but we’re ignored. I want to get married and have a family of my own but so far I am getting no help from the church and left to my own devices I am foreseeing a lifetime of singleness which is, for me, a lifetime of misery and lonliness. If the church wants to show they value the traditional family and protect marriage, start with helping us slightly older never-marrieds find spouses in church.

    • I agree with your entire post, Jonathan. I’m about the same age as you, I have never married but wanted to be married and thought for sure I would have been married by now, but I am a woman.

      I was taught by my Christian parents that I could expect to find a Christian spouse in church, and/or, if I prayed and asked God to send me a spouse, He would send me one.

      I am very put off and annoyed by Christians who argue it is selfish, unseemly, sleazy, or unscriptural for a Christian single to hope to find a spouse in church – it’s usually married Christians who make those arguments, but on occasion, I see pious, overly spiritual, holier than thou Christian singles make the same points. I don’t see anything in the Bible against a single meeting a mate in a local body of believers (church).

      On the other hand, and I am sorry if I sound – snotty?- here, but out of the few singles classes I’ve been to at a few churches and/or seen online, there are not many never married males (or heck, even divorced ones!) in my age range that attend, and when I do show up to a single class at a church, a lot of singles I see – both the males and females – are, …to put this delicately…, physically unattractive and/or socially awkward (downright dorky or weird).

      Of course, not all Christian adult singles are dumpy, weird, frumpy, or have “issues” or baggage, but some of the ones who are “regulars” in church singles classes do seem to fall somewhere on that spectrum, which may be causing the more more stable or attractive folks to stay away.

      A lot of Christian singles I see when I visit churches singles classes, who are over the age of 35, are quite frumpy looking, or terribly overweight. I work hard to stay in shape and look nice, meaning I jog regularly, keep my weight down, fix my hair when I go out, and wear makeup to church.

      I have asked before on my blog (hosted on Word Press and called “Christian Pundit” -though since starting that blog a couple years ago, I now lean a little towards being an agnostic; I’ve not decided if I will stay in the Christian faith. I did accept Christ as my savior when I was a child, though), but I have asked on my blog before, for the Christians who whine that singles should not try to meet a mate in church, where do they advise a Christian single to go, a nudie bar?

      Would Christians really prefer single women to hang out at strip joints, dives, and bars to pick up single men? I do not have an extensive social network of friends who can fix me up with single men.

      The cliched response by Christians when I ask when and how I can meet single men is usually to “try a dating site,” which I have done before, but those don’t always work. There are a lot of creeps and weirdos, or guys I am just not interested in, on dating sites.

      But your married friends will always point to the one anecdotal example of their best friend, Susie Q., who met her husband Barney W., on “eDate” type site.

      I, like you, have also observed that churches cut off any meaningful ministries to singles around the early or mid twenties mark. If you are past your late 20s, churches have nothing for you to do, they have nothing for singles.

      Churches of many denominations are still behaving as though it’s still 1953 and every one gets married by the time they are 25 years of age. 44% of the American adult population is now single, but this fact seems to go ignored by churches, or they simply do not care, and I don’t get it. I do not understand their apathy.

      I have also given up on the biblical old chestnut “be yoked only to another believer”, because there are hardly any Christian guys out there my age. If I am to wait around to be yoked to another believer, I will die alone.

      I also see news story after story of so-called Christian men (some are married!) who are arrested for fraud, child molesting, spousal abuse, etc. I have known plenty of decent Non-Christian men. I don’t see why I (or any single female raised as a Christian) should limit their dating pool to only Christian men anymore, and I do not care what the Bible says about “being yoked.”

      Where you say, “If the church wants to show they value the traditional family and protect marriage, start with helping us slightly older never-marrieds find spouses in church.”

      I totally agree! Churches and preachers and conservative Christian think tanks bray and whine about delayed age of first marriages, or lack of marriages, but when you, a single, freely admit to wanting marriage, they shame you for it!

      If you tell another Christian that you are tired of being single and want a spouse, the average preacher, of Christian married lay person, will tell you something like “be content in your singleness,” “Jesus is all you need,” “God doesn’t care about your earthly happiness, just think about eternity,” or some other platitude, and they will refuse to pray for you to gain a spouse, they will refuse to set you up on dates with eligible singles, etc.

      If Christians care so dang much about traditional marriage and they keep saying they do, why are they not helping single adults who desire marriage to get married?

      Why do they only keep appealing and ministering to those Christians who are ALREADY married or obsessing on how to attract and retain teen aged kids?

    • So sorry to hear that, Jonathan. I know of more resources for women who would like to be married, but I would suggest talking to some couples you *really* trust and already know well (so they will understand you as a multifaceted person) and indicate your interest in meeting a nice Christian single lady. The landscape for how people meet and marry has changed, and it is NOT working that well for this generation…there is nothing wrong whatsoever with getting someone in your corner! To my understanding, we used to have whole communities for this.

      There’s so much I could say about this, but please…utilize community. I think this is the best way to find women who won’t be too gun-shy and skittish, as some may be if you approach them as a stranger at a store, etc. (I used to be that type). Don’t feel (too) bad if the first lady you meet is not a good match. Don’t feel bad about your desire to seek a real relationship, not just play this “Oh wow, we were just friends and I had no idea” game. And feel free to reject out of hand any advice that either shames you for still being single because “You’re the man” (again, there are complex layers to our society and our messed-up way of doing things now) OR that shames you for desiring and pursuing a wife. Someone who wants you to pretend you’re just waiting for her to fall into your lap is going outside the Bible.

      Look up Matt Chandler’s sermons on marriage/ men getting married. I find his comments very helpful, not nasty and condemning (though I guess some of it is directed at ladies).

    • totally true!

  25. I agree that this post is spot on. I have lived in a few states and visited more churches that I can remember. I have been in all kinds of ministries and I have been in small groups with married couples, elderly, widows, and young adults.

    My argument is this: If the church is going to make ministries for kids, divorcees, parents with grown kids, etc. etc. why don’t they have a ministry for the singles beyond college years who have to deal with all the hardships of life alone?

    And the idea of mocking singles because they’re looking for a spouse in church has been thrown in my face a few times too. I hate that attitude. First of all I don’t go to church to find a spouse. Finding one there would be awesome, but I go to obey God’s will for His children. I do it out of obedience.

    It is, however, a very lonely experience many times because singles generally have nowhere to go. If you don’t help babysit the children or perform an instrument in a band, orchestra, or sing then there really isn’t anything you can do. But hey, maybe you should leave the country as a missionary… as if a missionary is only someone who goes over seas and not someone who speaks of Jesus Christ where they work.

    The church is failing miserably in this area and unfortunately number of singles are growing in every city. What is the church going to do when their kids can’t find a spouse anywhere or decide to stop going to church all together?

    • Sincerity, I am not sure from your post if you would categorize yourself as someone who would like to be married in the next couple of years or who is fine with being single. If the former, I left some comments on Jonathan’s comment, above, that I hope may be helpful. I wish there were more resources from a man’s perspective.

  26. This is so absolutely true. The last church I attended disbanded their singles ministry after a group of old women decided it was comprised of people “with problems” as one of them put it. They wanted everyone to get married, because people over 25 who are not married are somehow defective in their minds. It was the only church in town which did anything for singles; now there are none. Not even the two largest churches have anything; even “small groups” for people who are out of college but still single.

    It is sad because there are a lot of lonely, single Christians who find it very hard to meet someone because the church doesn’t really want or care about them.

    • Now dont blame not meeting others on the church…you have the power and time to conduct your own social life with some initiative. Church is an assembly of believers, not a social planner for specific groups. Get out there.
      Jesus walked and ate with all people not just a church group.

      • By your logic, we need to do away with all ministries. Stop doing any kids’ ministries. You have the power and time to teach your own kids with some initiative. Church is an assembly of believers, not a daycare.

      • Precisely. Also, if a church has a prayer group for those who have lost jobs, one could say, “the church is an assembly of believers, not a job placement center.” ALL needs can be brought before the church, not just those that are approved and socially acceptable.

      • I read some of your above statements, and I totally agree with you about the dumb platitudes and over-spirtitualizations that get thrown at you as a single Christian. It is down right heart breaking.
        I am a 43 year old single female who has never been married. I absolutely wanted to be a wife and mother, and it never happened. When I began to realize that my body was moving into menopause………….something in my heart and spirit began to break, and I sank into a DEEP depression. It was so bad that I would weep openly at church. I could not hold back the pain of knowing that I would absolutely not conceive ad bear children.
        Oh, how I was guilted, bashed, and shamed for not being “SATISFIED IN CHRIST ALONE, SINCE HE WAS ALL THAT I SHOULD WANT OR NEED.” And when those stupid statements did not stop the free flow of tears then I was told that the pain was all in my head, and that I was “crazy, dangerous (because supposedly, depression that overwhelms you to the point of sorrow makes you a homocidal maniac”, and besides Jesus was my husband and I shouldn’t want any other love but his. And just in case you did not know, being sancitmonious and spooky, spiritually deep eliminates the psychosocial emotional needs for human love and intimacy. I mean, I couldn’t even come to church and weep before God about my deep heartfelt pain and grief without incurring the judgement and condensation of those who are “SUPPOSED” to be my church family.
        What a conundrum and oxymoron? “CHURCH FAMILY” my behind. I was failed miserably. Oh yeah, when you don’t get to have a flesh and blood family of your own, the will tell you how you get the “GIFT OF SINGLENESS” or how you will be blessed with a “spiritual family and a church family that is supposed to substitute for the love and intimacy that you are dying to have by having your very own mate and children. And it is always married people giving you their unsolicited expert opinion on how you ought to feel about your single status. SERIOUSLY, in the 22 years that I have been saved, I cannot honestly say that I could consider the people I went to church with as family. They are most definitely a piss poor substitute for having my very own children and husband. I would rather grow old with grandchildren sitting on my lap on my porch than be stuck with judgmental, unbalanced, condescending, half-baked church people.
        The very placed that I supposedly was supposed to be able to run to for healing has done nothing but exacerbate some very disenfranchising pains. I feel a thousand times lonelier at church than when I am anywhere else. Honestly, I hate going.

      • christianpundit October 21, 2013 at 1:59 am

        That was a very rotten and insensitive answer, robert.

        The church exists to meet the needs of everyone, and that includes unmarried Christians who desire marriage. Churches should be helping singles who want to get married to meet potential suitors – they do this in other churches in other countries (the preachers in churches overseas often play as “matchmaker,” so I have read in books and blogs about Christian singleness).

        Also, robert, a lot of married Christian couples use churches to meet set up play dates with other married couples, they will chat with each other before and during church services and at church sponsored luncheons and dinners.

        Married couples will invited other married couples over for lunch or dinner while at church. Why do married people get to use churches to meet, greet, make friends, and mingle, but you are saying that singles should not? That is hypocritical.

        Also, women like me were taught as Christian teen girls that the one place we should look for a husband was at a church, not at a night club or a bar.

      • I am sorry, christianpundit. As a married person who promotes marriage, I frequently run into the same attitude: that marriage should “just happen” or that we should act like it “just happens,” and heaven forbid you take steps, ESPECIALLY at church, to meet anyone, or admit that marriage may be kind of a big deal to you. In fact, I think the married are quick to suggest that anyone else who’d like to be married is “making an idol” of it.

      • Yeah….I have gotten that one to…..”The reason God chose to not give you a mate is because you would have put a husband before God. God saw that you had hidden idolotry in your heart, and so you were denied husband and children” as if to imply that you have to attain some sort of expert spiritual level to be allowed to have your deepest psychosocial-emotional human needs meet. You have to be PERFECT to be given the gift of marriage and babies.