Making Your Group Real ‘Friends’

By Brett Eastman

Don’t we all long to be a part of something fun, exciting, and life-giving? girls

The sitcom Friends captured this desire. Every week, 50 million people watched six actors pretend to have relationships with one another. Its popularity was fueled by the deep longing we all have to be connected in community.

The advertising world has caught on to this yearning as well. MCI promises to connect us with “friends and family.” The felt need is clear. But the real need is found in the biblical word, koinonia, which means “fellowship.”  God’s plan from the beginning was that each one of us would belong to a spiritual community, where we all would be known and we would know others.

How can we create a community like this? How can we connect with one another?

Here are seven principles to help you CONNECT with the people in your group and to help them connect with one another:

1. Create a “one-another” community. In the New Testament there are more than 50 different references to “one another”: love one another, bear one another’s burdens, pray for one another, serve one another. This can’t happen only on Sunday mornings; it needs to happen in other settings, like small groups.

Once you’ve invited your circle of friends and they show up, remember you don’t have to be a Bible scholar to create a one-another community. Your job is to ask the questions, look around the room, and wait for someone to respond. When someone voices a response, affirm them, no matter what they say. Don’t feel like you have to answer every one of the questions yourself.  It’s like a ping-pong game: just get it started and keep the ball in play.

Another way to create a one-another community upfront is to schedule socials and meals together. Pull families together and get to know each other. Schedule casual gatherings, like a pizza dinner, before the meeting starts. During this time, your group has time to check in on prayer requests. Throughout the six weeks, rotate homes, so that people embrace the group as their own.

2. Open your heart. Being authentic lets your group know you don’t have it all together either. When we communicate openness, that makes it safer for everybody else to be open as well.  It’s healthy to say, “You know, that’s a good question. I don’t know,” or “I’m not sure.”

You are the role model, and they’ll follow your example. When you’re authentic, your group will be more authentic.

3. Naturally group members together for deeper discussion. It’s important that every meeting permits discussion time. When your group gets larger than seven, it’s more difficult for everyone to share. So break into discussion groups of three to four people. The more airtime an individual has, the greater the life application – and that’s when you’ll see lives transformed.

Also, this allows time for people to share prayer requests. You don’t want to get halfway around the room during prayer request time and suddenly say, “Oops, we ran out of time.” Break into smaller groups so you have time to share prayer requests, as well as pray for one another.

Remember: When people feel heard, they feel loved; when they feel loved, they return; and when they return, life transformation happens.

4. Never run from challenges, questions, or even conflict in your group. Remember, the Bible says “iron sharpens iron” (Proverbs 27:17, NIV). The group that doesn’t have sparks actually doesn’t have much life.  Healthy groups have conflict.

There are practical things you can do, however, to ensure that conflict doesn’t dominate your small group. First, make a group covenant. This agreement outlines the ground rules for your group. If you write down your expectations early on, conflict will occur less later on.

Second, facilitate discussion to help evaluate the progress of your group. After a few weeks, assess how things are going and just throw out the questions: “How’s it going? What is one thing you like? What is one thing you’d change if you could?” You may want to have them do it on 3×5 cards to make it safer. Issues that arise from these responses are ones to address immediately so controversy doesn’t ensue.

5. Encourage shared ownership. When this happens, the group moves from being “your” group to “their” group. Remember to rotate the facilitation of the group at least by the second or third week. Get out your group calendar and record where the group will meet, who will host, who will lead worship, and who will bring refreshments. This will develop ownership on a variety of levels.

Also make sure that each group member has a responsibility. Some people may not be ready to lead worship or plan a ministry project, but everybody can take a responsibility by teaming up and doing something together.  It could be planning a social, following up on absent group members, or participating in a ministry project. Sign them up, pair them up, and follow up. If you don’t follow up, it won’t happen.

6. Cultivate a group of friends. The Bible says that early believers gathered in temple courts and house to house, week to week. This model ensured members would always connect with one another, even if they missed a meeting at the temple.

Because the early church embraced this model, they added to their numbers daily. Everyone wanted to be a part of the fellowship. Who are you going to add to your circle?  If you invite friends to join the group, they’ll have a greater tendency to come back themselves because they’ll be surrounded by friends.

7. Take time to do life together. Don’t miss anniversaries, wedding parties, baby showers, job promotions, and even house closings. Celebrate one another’s lives.

On my birthday, my small group made my favorite dinner and favorite dessert. They asked how they could pray for me. Though the group isn’t supposed to be about me, on my birthday they wanted the whole night to be about me. The beauty is that they loved on me and made me feel special. This is the longing in each of our hearts.

Brett Eastman

Brett Eastman

Brett Eastman has served as the small groups champion in several of the largest mega churches in the country including Saddleback Church, Willow Creek and Fellowship of the Woodlands for over a dozen years. After founding Lifetogether - 10 years ago he has either consulted and/or produced Custom DVD Curriculum and training materials for 100 of the largest and fastest growing churches in America. He has published with the top 10 Christian Publishers, produced over 250 bestselling series, designed dozens of church wide campaigns, and produced on camera over 500 bestselling authors, pastors and church leaders selling over 4,000,000 copies to date including the Award Winning Purpose Driven Group Series, Doing Lifetogether Series published by Zondervan. Lifetogether's focus is to partner with local church pastors trying to help connect their entire congregation by producing innovative small group resources in order to ultimately reach their community through community.