How to Have an Affair (and Ruin Everything)

By



Ruins

photo credit: Stuck in Customs

It’s late at night and my phone rings. An old friend is on the line, and the first thing I hear is, “I think I’ve ruined everything . . . I’ve had an affair.”

In a culture gone crazy for sex, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, but I always am.

You would be hard pressed to find a television sitcom without sex. Primetime is bombarded with casual sex and illicit affairs. From dramas like Desperate Housewives to Scandal, it seems the new normal is to cheat on your spouse who then cheats on you for revenge.

Estimates of American men involved in extramarital affairs at least once in their lives range from 22% to 75%; estimates for women range from 14% to 60%. Add to that the statistic that 74% of men and 68% of women say they would have an affair if they knew they would never be caught, and it’s obvious this is a big problem in our society!

So let’s take a brief look at the anatomy of an affair and how to have one (if you want to ruin everything).

First, ignore all reasonable and wise boundaries with the opposite sex. Go out for coffee or better yet for lunch or dinner with a co-worker of the opposite sex under the guise of a “working meal.” Spend as much time as you can with this new “friend.”

Second, flirt because it’s fun. It’s best to use lots of flattery as well, and on a regular basis be sure to throw in a well-placed sexual innuendo or joke. With the advent of social media, this is easier than ever to do.

If you’re a woman, show as much skin as you can get away with without appearing to be a loose woman. The low-cut top and the very short skirt work well. Oh, and don’t forget to bend over as much as possible to give the guys a good look at your . . . well, you know.

Guys, make sure you compliment the gal on a regular basis regarding how good she looks, smells, or smiles. Women like to be noticed and crave personal attention (especially if she’s not getting enough kudos from her husband; he’s probably a jerk).

When the accidental physical contact happens or you have the chance for a lingering and full-body hug, take advantage of it, and make sure it’s mutual. Get those pheromones flowing!

Next, as often as possible, share your deepest fears, thoughts, or feelings with the opposite sex. He or she will probably understand you better than your spouse. It is imperative that you create an emotional bond. Counseling women alone is a great idea. Most women won’t let any guy into her pants until he’s entered into her heart.

Don’t forget to let your mind go crazy. Fantasize a lot. Imagine what it would be like to be with someone else . . . someone who is fun, exciting, and a little wild. Play with sexual thoughts as much as possible. Our bodies have a way of doing what we allow our minds to be saturated with. And for heaven’s sake, don’t tell anybody! Bringing something like this to the light will make you horribly uncomfortable. You don’t need anyone’s advice; they’ll just try to change your mind or hold you accountable. That’s stupid, right?

Last of all, and this is critical, complain about your spouse to your new friend and compare his or her amazing strengths and qualities to your spouse’s weaknesses as much as possible. That being said, be careful about seeming to be too negative or whining (nobody likes a killjoy).

By the way, when you’re finally ready to practice the wild onion together, rationalize it as true love. You can even spiritualize the experience by telling your new lover how you married the wrong person and how God has now given you the man or woman of your dreams. Pull the God-card to shut up your critics.

If you religiously follow the above suggestions, I can guarantee you “success”; you’ll have an affair in no time. Of course, it will probably cost you your marriage, your ministry, a lot of money, your peace, your true joy, lots of holidays and priceless moments with your kids, possibly your faith and quite probably the respect and admiration of your family, co-workers, and friends. Be sure to count the cost.

One more fringe benefit, if you stay together with your new “best spouse ever” it’s highly likely that you’ll live in fear of him or her cheating on you someday. After all, they did it once; what’s to keep them from doing it again?

Crazy? Yup. But maybe there’s a better way to live . . .

Invest in your marriage with diligence. Stay true to your wedding vows. Delight in the spouse of your youth. Get help early when marital problems arise. Remember that love is a choice more than an emotion.

And if by chance you’ve failed along the way, run to God’s mercy and grace. It’s never too late to be forgiven and restored.

 

15 We have a high priest who can feel it when we are weak and hurting.

We have a high priest who has been tempted in every way, just as we are. But he did not sin.

16 So let us boldly approach the throne of grace. Then we will receive mercy.

We will find grace to help us when we need it.

Hebrews 4:15-16 (NIRV)


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Kurt Bubna About Kurt Bubna

Kurt W. Bubna published his first book, Epic Grace ~ Chronicles of a Recovering Idiot, with Tyndale Momentum in 2013. He is an active blogger, itinerant speaker, regular radio and television personality, and the Sr. Pastor of a large and community-focused church in Spokane Valley, Washington. He and his wife, Laura, have been married for nearly forty years and have four grown children and four grandchildren. For more information, please visit www.KurtBubna.com.

  • Floyd Rodriguez

    I once heard a Pastor who said the words, “90% of us lust and the other 10% are liars.” This left a deep impression on me, because he is right and no matter how hard one tends to keep it under his hat, he cannot hide this great tool that Satan uses to bring down many. You cannot stop what comes into your head, but you can sure stop what comes out. A man cannot go through a whole day without being exempt from sin and this is the very reason I need to repent on a daily basis or I will not make it into the Kingdom of Heaven.

  • crazydutchwoman

    What about a husband who had 3 affairs in the first 4 years of marriage, then went into the pastorate, confessed, but never talked it thru with his wife but left her hanging? The wife lived most of their married life carrying this awful burden and it killed the love. Now the husband is disabled with accompanying dementia and the wife knows it will never be dealt with but she still thinks about it almost everyday as it has ruined her life in many ways.

  • Lyn

    Great article. Been there done that. I did not end up with my affair partner but instead divorce papers. I was a pastor’s wife, mother of 4. I hit absolute bottom. Ruin was my lot, who could heal me?? Thanks be to God–our awesome Counselor and Healer of wounded hearts! My story became HIS story of Redemption, Restoration and Reconciliation told in “Confessions of an Adulterous Christian Woman: Lies that got me there; truths that brought me back”. Published by Beacon Hill. It is a book of hope and if you have fallen into an affair..I encourage you to read I–it will guide you to the only one who can deliver you from your sin and “restore the years that the swarming locusts have eaten away”.

  • steven oroh

    It’s pretty sad that big christian leaders usually stumble in this area. And media plays an important role. There should always be a warning for everyone. And Mr. Bubna has given an provocative and interesting warning! God bless you.

  • Bill Nelson

    yep

  • aguywhohasbeenthere

    Please head this write-up. I have been married almost 9 years and have walked down this road when I was young in my marriage. It was after deployments in the military, lustful environment and no standing ground of basic decencies were in my life. I did not follow God and I did not follow right and wrong. I justified everything somehow in my mind knowing what it would lead to, and then convinced myself it won’t make anyone feel bad. It never happens that way. Love Jesus, give your life and you body to him and he will walk beside you, you will know where your standards are, you will have a foundation to build wall on without them falling. Cherish your wife or husband and be thankful for all those great things he or she has been there through in your life. Nothing is worth jeopardizing that love. You will feel guilt, and those that brag, they brag to try to convince themselves they are ok. These are exactly the steps that you will go through. Its not an instant thing, it doesn’t happen in a flash, its not glamorous, fun or something you will want to look back on as an accomplishment. It rots you from the inside out. Jesus loves and said 2 things: Love God, and Love people. Know his love by accepting him into your heart to build your foundations and watch how strong the walls of your house become.

    • http://www.EpicGraceBook.com/ Kurt Bubna

      Thank you for your honesty. Your words are heartfelt and true. May Jesus continue to use you to encourage others in the way of grace. Blessings!

  • vikram

    wonderful way to ruin life(ha ha)…..thank you for encouraging words that i’ll guard my heart…

    • http://www.EpicGraceBook.com/ Kurt Bubna

      Thank you for choosing to “guard your heart.” It always starts there… Blessings!

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